Being manic

So its been awhile.. And Im sitting here, once again, after midnight thinking a million thoughts a second again. So I thought. Lets get that shit on paper and publish it.. For my own personal gain...

Ive noticed that nobody reads this blog and Im actually kind of happy about that.. This is my own personal experiences with Schizophrenia and a journal I keep to detail my recovery and have something to look back at so I can see what was going on in my mind at the time. Like the scars on my arms it will serve as a reminder that the mind is a terrible thing to waste and of just how low Ive been. Thus enabling me to get some perspective and come back harder. I dont know why I had to justify myself right there but hey Im fucking hyper atm so nothing makes sense....

So... Ive actually been pretty stable the past few days... My mood is sort of indifferent or well has been indifferent. When I woke up I was kind of stuck in a hole. Abit pissy and abit down. I had to get up early and basically run to the town administration office to hand in a paper to ensure I get my welfare. Everything worked out and they promised me Ill get paid on thursday so thats where it all started going upwards. I went home and saw I had a mail from Relapse Records in my inbox. And lo and behold it had the new Dying Fetus album in it. A band I love and luckily I got permission from my editor to download and review it. So it went upwards abit more. Then I got my coffee and now were talking serious fucking caffeine high. I then started planning how to spend my money efficiently and this whole feeling of security contributed to my high. I rose and rose through the skies and reached the outer reaches of the earth. Nothing could bring me down...

The thing with Schizophrenia is that sometimes you will get theese sort of manic phases where everything seems to revolve around you. My delusions feed into this since today it seems like everything has happened for a reason. Every little thing on my way today was put there by the gods or the suits behind the scenery and I know it seems weird but thats what I feel like. I know its not true and I dont believe in fate but today it certainly seems like the entire world revolves around me and only me.

When I get like this I go so high that I loose touch with earth. I go farther than my lifesupport can handle and thats when the fall kicks in. A seemingly endless fall triggered by the fact that your brain is so full of signals to interpret that it just shuts down. The entire overjoyed state of mind shifts and turns into depression and sends you falling faster than anyone can catch you. I know because Ive been here before. Ive gone through this countless times already. Being so manic and happy thinking that everything is put in your way for a reason. Spending tons of cash on pointless things because you get a wicked impulse in your brain that tells you that you have to have this now and that it wont be there next month when you can actually afford it. People with schizophrenia often act on impulse alot and I am very guilty of that. It makes me fun to be around as Ill get weird ideas in the middle of the night and act on them, but its dangerous for me as its not just like an idea that pops up into my mind. Its a need or a craving for something that I cant ignore. For instance. When Ive gone to bed and cant sleep all of a sudden I will get this idea that I need food. Im not really hungry or anything I just want to eat. So instead of ignoring that and getting a good nights sleep I get out of bed and cook not because I want to but because I have to. Otherwise bad stuff will happen.
Ive been to many record stores and bought a ton of vinyls that I couldnt afford but simply because my brain was telling me that I need to get theese things otherwise something will happen.

So here I am. Almost 1 am and Ive peaked. Im not totally crashed yet but I can feel the sadness rising in me. That feeling you get when youre about to cry. Thats what Im feeling right now. On the verge of yet another breakdown and for some reason I cant cry. I want to burst out into tears but something is preventing me.

I zone out here and there and loose my train of thought and the need to self harm is back yet again. Havent done it for a week or so (if I recall correctly) but now the need is back and its kicking my arse.

I wont be able to sleep at this rate but Ive taken some Oxazepam in order to not loose my mind completely.

Im anticipating the next few days to be really hard work getting through. Luckily my money problems end on thursday so I wont have to be worried about not eating. I am gonna storm to the supermarket and buy like 300dkr worth of meat and stick it in the freezer. That way Im ensured for the rest of the month that Ill have meat to eat. And then have loads of spending money to burn on whatever I want. Which feels really good.

When you start getting depressed you can feel it. Theres an uneasy feeling in your body and for me my eyes start to hurt a bit. They feel like Im about to cry. You get all weird. Your mind stops reacting and you tend to just sit there and stare at thin air while you try to formulate a thought. But nothing useful comes out its all gibberish. And my voice comes back and starts mumbling and then saying things here and there. Like kill your cat or jump out the window. I know all of his tricks and thankfully I am so strong and properly medicated that I can laugh at it and ignore it....

Tomorrow theres a free concert on in the town square. My contact is coming over for coffee and another epic chat about life. My friend Sara is coming over to delight me with her excellent company.

Tomorrow will be a tough one but Im determined to flip it around and make it a good day. Chances are I wont go to the concert if I feel too shit or I can feel anxiety creeping up on me. But I really want to go, yet I dont want to go.

See you all later....