Aaaaaaaand were back

So I havent really been making good on my promise to keep this blog alive... See the thing is... When I feel bad I tend to wallow in self pity which isnt exactly an appealing character trait. I want to express my suffering to people.

When I start feeling better I tend to try and tell myself that I was exaggerating and that it really wasnt that hard. But this time around Ive come to the conclusion that my depressive state, which lasted three weeks in total, was the worst state I have been in in my entire life. No rays of light, no exits, just blackness and depression whereever you looked.

I started feeling better recently. Actually last wednesday. I met with my contact and he gave me a camera I was supposed to use the following day at a sporting event for users of the social psychiatry in this town and the town next to it. So I went there thursday took about 1300 pictures, spent 6 hours in pouring rain either sitting down on the grass and even lying down to take the shots I wanted. It was a fantastic day but man was I tired when it was all over. And my back was aching like a motherfucker. I got this back issue from sitting slumped over at my computer for like two years every day and it was really showing when it was over.

So life went on and I was happy. I had and still have the camera and have plans to go to Copenhagen soon to take pictures of homeless people for my little project that will end in an exhibition and a book we will give to the homeless for free so they have something to show. They are special people and the fire theyre full of inspires me.

But tuesday I went to my dads house for dinner and it all sort of came flooding back to me. I started feeling this sick urge to self harm and I started feeling invaded by thoughts and darkness yet again.

I know myself pretty well and what Im standing in front of is a major relapse into this depressive state yet again. The english chick is keeping my spirits up but Im only ever happy for the duration of our conversation and then Im all alone and shit starts to heat up yet again.

Today its thursday or well actually its after midnight so technically its friday but I havent slept so its still thursday.
Im clinging on to the ledge for dear life. I am trying to do my excersises and stay happy. Listen to Hardstyle which always makes me fucking happy and just try and avoid any negative influences.

But what is life if not for a bunch of ups and downs. My mother came to visit in January to see my very first exhibition and she even bought a picture. There were specific guidelines for how she wanted this picture and we went right on it.

Then we got wind of the fact that the course was closing and suddenly we were racing to finish everything we were working on and forgot all about the picture. As of today she still hasnt received what she paid for partly due to the fact that we got really busy and then my melt down happened. And partly because the library havent said a peep as we asked them to make the picture into a poster with all their logos and stuff on it. I dont have access to theese logos and cant make it myself only the library can.

My sister then got on skype with me and started tearing me a new arsehole about the picture. Saying that I should pay my mother back or give her the picture by next month. At the end I felt so let down and hurt by my sisters behavior that I told her to shut the fuck up and stay out of this matter as it didnt concern her.

I am under the assumption that my mother has been complaining to her and now shes taking matters into her own hands and it hurts me severely to see my sister exhuberating the same behavior as my mom has been this past year.

As of today I have received no phone calls and absolutely NO HELP whatsoever. I texted her to tell her that this time it was all back and it was worse than it had ever been. She replied... Damn can we do something ? To which I replied lets have coffee. And instead of showing some interest and maybe coming to visit me in Copenhagen (she lives an hour away by train) she asked me to meet her for coffee in central Copenhagen (I live in a suburb to Copenhagen) because she was going there anyway to shop with my sister. I had to blow it off because I was too unstable to go to a place with a lot of people and didnt want to be doped up on Oxazepam when I went there. She could have maybe gotten in her car and driven to see me and actually show she cares. Or maybe just give me a friendly phone call to calm me down. But none of this happened. Shows me that she really doesnt care either way and it fucking hurts to have a mother that doesnt want to know of her child. Ive stopped confiding in her because we had an episode a year ago that was really bad and this further strengthens my belief in myself. Im doing the right thing by keeping her out of my life because she doesnt care either way.

After the guilt trip I reached a decision. I will finish the picture without all the text she wants because thats easily done. Then give her back the 100 dkr she paid for it and be done with it.

Im sitting here now quite downed by theese comments. My sister means the world to me. Ive never been mad at her my entire life and then she pulls a stunt like that. Hurts me to my very core.

So Ive decided one thing that Ill do when I wake up. I am gonna go to the store and get myself a brand new knife as the old one broke. A fresh clean sharp blade and just have it lying around. The need to self harm is back with full force and I want to have a knife close by that I can control. If I dont have a smaller one I will use my big kitchen knife and that I cant control. So its in my best interest to get a smaller one that is easier to handle in case I need it.

Such is the reality of the cutter. Its sad but true.

I even started watching youtube videos and documentaries on mental illnesses. Which is a sure sign that things are about to go to hell. I usually only do that when I need to be able to identify myself with other people. Ive never belonged anyhwere but the course I went to and it being gone is a hard reality to swallow. I use theese documentaries to see that other people feel like me and that I am not alone. But also as a justification for self harm and other stuff. Since others do it Im allowed because that makes it normal.

So now Im off and I promise to keep updating even though NOONE reads this fucking thing......