My voices and me

I would say my life consists of three periods....

My childhood from age 0-13

My bad years 13 – 23

My recovery 23 and on

The whole Recovery part is a bit sketchy still since it hasnt really happened yet but everything is getting better and hopefully with this blog Ill be able to document what exactly goes on in my mind while I get better.

Today I want to take a moment of everyones time to talk about theese here people that live inside my head.

I would say that I have a good side and a bad side. Anyone can relate to that. The bad side is what makes us cheat and lie the good side is what makes us love each other.

On top of having theese impulses I have a little passenger with me. A male voice, I reckon its my own but havent been able to really figure that out yet. Most of the time he's rambling and muttering in an incoherrent mess that noone can decipher. Sending out noise to hamper my thoughts. Right now he's muttering something about not writing about him. But fuck me sideways thats exactly what I intend on doing.

Ive had this voice all my life and for a very long time I thought that it was just me thinking out loud. Like my thoughts would be all negative and I would vocalize them in my head. But in the past few weeks Ive noticed a difference between actually thinking and hearing things. When I have a thought it appears very clear and acts as a sort of impulse. Something I need to buy something I need to get done. Like do the dishes or put another filter on a picture Im editing. The voice is commanding and telling me stuff like ”wouldnt it be nice to throw yourself off the balcony”. When Im around people I care about he just shouts words like ”slut” and ”whore”. Telling him that I need to shout theese things out. It kind of acts like a person with Tourettes I think. Only I hear someone telling me theese words in my heads. The urge to say them is overpowering but Ive never once slipped because I dont want to. Ive had some bad experiences in the past. One I remember vividly.

I was on the phone with my then girlfriend, a wonderful girl I ended up staying with for two and a half years, the urge to hurt her became overpowering and I tried to force her to break up so as to justify feeling bad. It went completely ape shit with me telling her that she didnt want to be with me and stuff. Luckily she didnt break up with me.

Right now he's telling me that my family will die if I publish this. And my delusional self is giving in to the fear big time. But Im at a point where I know how to ignore theese irrational things and focus on the prize.

I dont know how I have mastered the urge to give in. I was never given any training in the matter but there must be some really logical part of me that beats this down.

Seeing as its only a recent discovery were still to try and deal with it but I hope that some day in the not to distant future I will have ignored him for so long that he will dissapear and never be seen from again.

Today Ive been feeling kind of bummed out. I have met a chick that Im really happy Ive met but it is not without its costs. I spend the majority of the day in longing counting down to the second she logs on. I feel sick and depressed and theese past days Ive been really scared that a major relapse is inbound and that I will do stuff to myself I wish I wouldnt.

When we talk its heaven. My emotions switch from pure depression to that of serene calm and overecstatic joy. And then when we stop talking my heart sinks in my chest and Im back to being miserable.

Sound familiar ? Yes my droogies. It is the keen sting of love that hits us all. The difference between you and me is that HE starts telling me horrible things that she is no doubt gonna do to me and horrible things that I am gonna do to her. I get the urge to selfharm ten fold because its a way to focus on pain and get him out of my head.

Luckily Im well medicated and a pretty rational person so I have enough sense to leave it at the door. Im not about to give in to some crazy delusion that she will find someone else and therefore I have to break it off before I get hurt.

This is where the idea of cognitive treatment comes in.

See yesterday I wrote her a long message about my condition so that she wouldnt be taken by surprise. It was a way to get things off my chest because I need the person that Im about to involve myself with to know what she is getting in to. My immediate thoughts were that of fear. She would see it, get freaked out and leave me instantly. I had a night of uneasy sleep as I tried to do excersises and calm myself down.

I woke up to messages on my phone saying that she is not about to leave me over this and that she still wants me ever so badly. So that goes into the bank and the next time I do something similar I will know that I have her support.

That thought empowers me...

Now its back to editing and trying to dismiss this sickening urge...

Good night !