Hows the relapsing coming?

So.... theese past few weeks have been interesting, depressing and a learning phase for me. Just when my mood was at its utmost peek fate reared its ugly head and sent me spiralling out of control.

My delusions were at an all time high. I would think that my girlfriend had another man, that she didnt love me, that any minute now policemen would burst through the door and take me away. The policeman part has been a constant for many years. I have this immense fear that someone close to me has signed papers to get me forcefully admitted to an asylum and that the police are coming to get me.

My depression was brought on by a sense of unfullfilled love. I was the one coming to her with grand displays of affection and getting little to nothing in return for it. While I was with her the pressure of having to be something for someone else than yourself began to build. The need to self harm came knocking and I fought it for the longest time. Till one night I slipped and I cut myself on my hand. Just one and very tiny. I blamed the cat when she asked me.

Then a little bit later I did it again on my hand. Two symmetrical cuts. How was I gonna explain this when she was so against the act of self harm and so inept at seeing its benefits for me.

I then did it on a saturday not long after my birthday. The pressure had been building up and I decided to make it more severe this time. I did it twice then stopped. I then texted her and told her that shit was bad and that I might have done something she wouldnt approve of. The reply was astounding. I took a chance and told her. Both because I needed her support but also because she would discover it for herself. She responded by getting mad and the confirming my belief that she had no idea of how to show empathy. Okay that might be a bit wild but her respond was so apathetic that it made me go crazy. In total over two-three days I cut myself 53 times on both my upper arms and some on my under arm. I then dumped her on the last day of april when I realized that she wouldnt be able to support me and that she wouldnt be able to show me the care I needed.

I then met a different girl even though I had promised myself to stay off girls for some time. The whole being in love part makes me wildly unstable and sends me skyrocketing one moment then plummitting to the ground and crashing the next.

Her name is irrelevant but she was the girlfriend of one of my long term WoW friends. So naturally I went for it as I find him insufferable and her gorgeous. In my world I quickly go from one extreme to the next. Either I am best friends with someone or I hate their guts. I sound like I have borderline but thats not the case.

Anyway. We hit it off and for a week or two. I really cant remember. We had fun. Flirting wildly and making plans for the future.
Yesterday she gets a call from her boyfriend who knows something is up. She then folds right at the finish line and tells me that she doesnt feel right deceiving him and that she needs to think. So basically the jig is up theres nothing more to gain here.

That sends me into yet another hour long period of despair while I frantically cut myself and try to restructure. Thankfully I heard a really helpful song and realized that I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me. I gave her an ultimatum and today she responded to that by sticking with her boyfriend. This fuelled a rage that was very well spoken yet the feeling that I was about to call her a slutty whore was there. The voice was screaming to degrade her as much as possible. Make her feel bad. Instead I gave the ultimate insults. Not insults that target your weight or appearance. Nope. The ones that targets your personality. I was nasty and gloating about it to my friends. Then proceeded to tell everyone I knew what I had been doing for some reason.

My rage has now subsided. She told me she would be there for me. Yet when I started talking about how I felt she dissapeared offline without saying good night. Youll be there for me you say ? Oh yeah Im really feeling that now.

Friends dissapeared as sleep beckoned and I was left here unable to go to bed because I needed drastic actions.

I have as of this moment. Since I resumed cutting a few days ago. Done it 42 times from what I could count. The number might be a bit unrealistic as its hard to pick apart old scars vs new scars.

The thoughts of suicide haunt me. The man inside my head is telling me to get on with it. Cutting satisfies his lust for blood and it makes pressure go away. I feel like I have a massive screw thingie on my head. And ever so often someone turns the mechanics and squeezes my head even tighter.

Im thinking I need to write her. But Im also thinking I need to get away from her.

Im thinking I need to write her boyfriend. But Im also thinking I need to get away from him.

Theres no end to the pressure thats building and theres no release from it either. I cut and I cut and yet the fix is only temporary. I showered but think I smell like shit.

Im off the concept of love for now. Cant handle it. Wont handle it.

My ex is maybe coming tomorrow to get a shirt she forgot here. I fear that it might send me plummeting towards the earth again.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Goodnight