My situation as of now....

So so so.. Here we are.... Welcome to my newly opened blog which is gonna be abit more personal than the one where I badmouth the bands I dont like....

My name is Kasper Im 25 years of age and three years ago at the tender age of 22, I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.. Which you may already have deducted from the name of the blog buuuuuuuuuut Ill throw it in for dramatic effect and then noone can say they werent warned!

This is gonna be a blog that I intend to update atleast every other day and talk about my recovery. I have been wanting to do this for quite sometime but felt it was too self indulgent to sit here and talk about how hard my life is, when I have a friend whos got cancer and there are children dying in Sudan like once a minute. But now Ive decided to put this up here and go nuts, well not literally because I dont intend to flush my medicine down the toilet...

The immediate need to express myself in blog format and publicly came from the experiences Ive had in the past two weeks.... It is very common in anyones life that there are ups and downs. Sometime you laugh sometime you cry. I had a massive trip down the black hole and am still sitting here examining it and feeling a bit blue. But more on that later. I reached out to my friends and family and they backed me up and tried to help anyway they could by being there for me in my time of need. I realized that expressing your inner most thoughts is not only very brave but also very rewarding in that you will get alot of support.

Another reason for this blog is the fact that I need to get this out of the way and off my chest so I can move on in life. I have a blog on a community site but the nature of what I need to say is not something Id like publiciced there because of the people that are implemented in the matter are to be found on that very site.

Anyway... I thought Id give you all a little story about what Schizophrenia is and what it is for me. A little story about what has happened in the past two weeks and then boost off to bed to regret the fact that I did this.

Anyway...

Schizophrenia is a mental illness described by many pros (of what Im aware) as the most serious mental illness that a person can have. I dont know whether Id like to back up that statement, but I do feel like it is a tough cookie to swallow atleast in my case.

It shows itself in around your teenage years and manifests as a sort of distorted perception of reality. There will most likely be voices and there will most likely be hallucinations. Furthermore you might learn that dealing with life is gonna be really hard and depression is a natural companion to the illness. I havent really educated myself too much about it, but I can tell you my personal experiences with the illness....

I have a distorted perception of reality. I see everything as if it wasnt real. As if it was an illusion thats gonna burst at any minute. Sometimes I can sit and stare at things and see the construction beams underneath as if it was a setpiece on a film.

I suffer from raging depressions atleast once a year and minor ”down” periods each month. They manifest themselves as the need to be alone, the need to selfharm and this feeling of having a great big sadness in your chest that you cant get rid off no matter what. I tend to be very emotional in theese periods and can start crying over things for no apparent reason. Most of the time I just have the urge to cry but cant get it out my system and that is a really frustrating experience.

I hear voices inside my head telling me what to do. A voice will tell me to call someone a whore or to hit someone or in other ways insult them. Other voices will tell me that Im worthless and that I have to commit suicide.

I have a heightened risk of suicide in the fact that I feel like I want to commit suicide just about everyday. In good periods the lust is easily supressed but in hard periods I tend to get to the point where I come up with the plan and the lust to do this silly thing is overpowering.

I hallucinate out the corner of my eye. If I walk past someplace I might see a cat or a person standing there and when I go back to look straight at it they wont be there. When I sit alone in my appartment I might see people standing next to me but not really be there.

I suffer from wildly erratic paranoid delusions. I might think that people are conspiring against me or that people are talking about me behind my back. When I walk on the streets I tend to look behind my shoulder if I feel uneasy to ensure that noone is following me.

I get anxiety attacks and this ties in with the paranoia. The anxiety attacks are mild and I have learned to master them as I want to be brave but in bad periods they are so extreme that I have to abandon what I was doing and go someplace else in order to calm down.
I have a slight case of sociophobia meaning that I dont like to spend time with people. Especially people I dont know and as a cause of my paranoid delusions I will feel like the world is out to get me.

On top of that I have a bit of a cold and its bloody annoying!

What do I do to cope with all of this you might wonder?

Well

I self medicate from time to time with alcohol.

I self harm to relieve the tension caused by a depressive state of mind and because pain gives me a sense of existing within this world. The pain is something very real in a world I perceive as unreal.

I use various cognitive therapy models that I somehow know but cant explain. Like with my English and Danish to be honest. I cant explain to you why the construction of the sentence is as is. All I know is that it is that way because it sounds good and because it is right.

I listen to music when outside. I always carry a set of headphones with me and I blast various metal acts when Im outside in order to drown out other people talking because that will fuel my paranoia. Music makes me calm and has become my biggest passion.

And for the cold Im considering drinking something hot with a lemon in it.

Well that was all the nitty gritty boring ass shite out of the way.

Now on to what has happened in the past two weeks and what is happening now.

Last friday I was going to my dads house for dinner when all of a sudden I went completely numb and my body just started being crushed by this immense darkness taking hold of me. I have no idea what caused it but there it was. A massive depression taking hold of me in the middle of a field. I had prior to this incident had two weeks of wanting to self harm which I had supressed somehow.

I got home and felt abit better but not to the extent where I would say I was happy.

The following day the feelings came back full force and I self harmed twice in order to relieve some of the pressure. I then felt very sad because my girlfriend had told me that she felt very bad about cutting. I decided to tell her because she was gonna see it anyway when I would meet her AND I had the feeling that more would follow this little incident.

So I text her and tell her that I might have self harmed while I am walking to the gas station for some drinks and then I was gonna go sit on this hill which for me is a place where a great tragedy befell me.

Oh what you ask? Well let me tell you...

About a year and a half ago in the summer of 2010 I think it was I went to a scouts camp with my mother, brother and sister. It was gonna be a nice getaway as I had been feeling abit bad that summer and wanted to get away from home. We go and I meet this 18 year old quirky beautiful lady which I fall instantly in love with. Apparently the feeling is mutual and on the last day of the camp we end up kissing and stuff. We go back to the camp sleep side by side and the following morning we part ways. I promise to text her but my phone runs out of battery sadly so I couldnt text her until I was in the train on my way home that same evening.

We arrange to meet up at my place where I will cook her dinner and we'll talk and she might even stay the night.

Things go swimmingly we kiss, we do that thing all the kids talk about. Which by the fucking way. And I wanna make this straight once and for all and for all the world to see. She was possibly the lamest fuck Ive ever had. She was lying there barely touched me and then insisted on a condom as pills gave her cancer or some shit. I proceeded with a semi hard johnson and the whole experience was kind of dull to be fair. She made me stop before she came for some reason. Maybe only her boyfriend could give her an orgasm I dont know. Oh did I fail to mention the fact that she was seeing someone while she was doing all theese things with me? Nope, well now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Anyway... She ”breaks” up with me telling me that she is afraid I might harm myself if she says the wrong thing. Yes she saw my scars as I dont intend to hide them for anyone. Basically I was dumped because of something I had no control over. That is so frustrating. Like dumping someone because theyre black or can walk. Its something you were born with and its not anything you can shake off like a cold. Which by the way reminds me, the tea is wonderful!

After she dumped me I basically fell into this black void of depression, anxiety, paranoia and thoughts of suicide. It all culminated sometime during august mid day when I got out a rope and tried to hang myself on my balcony. Luckily it didnt work out as well as I had planned and I survived the process.

I told my psychiatrist of what I had done and they intensified my treatment with daily visits. During this period with scout girl I also self harmed in a major way. So major that I had to go to the ER one night to get patched up. I felt like I had to show her to what extend she had damaged me and how bad it was with me. The self harming is often fuelled by vindictive thoughts. The need to show everyone exactly what theyre doing to me. But mostly it is to relieve stress.

So back to last friday, which come to think of it was friday three weeks ago. My girlfriend got mad with me instead of lending me a shoulder to cry on as he has her own problems to deal with. I understand that now but I didnt at the time. So I got more depressed and self harmed even more. I think I reached a total of about 60-70 something cuts when I was completely done. Thats spread out over about... three four days with the most recent being a few days ago.

The depression rode me like it was a cheap whore and left me sitting with a feeling of slowly dying and succumbing to insanity. I was closely monitored by people at the course I have been attending for two years and friends and family. They were there when I reached out but the fight was mine and noone could take it for me.

I went to the ”celebration” of our last day at the course feeling quite miserable. The course which had been my haven was ending and my life seemed worthless. I sat alot by myself smoking and trying to cope with all theese negative emotions inside my head but to no avail.

Fast forward to the 1^st of May. I went to ”Fælledparken” in Copenhagen as is custom and had a few beers with my two friends before me and my one friend (Sara) went on to Christiania for coffee and then on to a bar in Copenhagen to get wasted.

I was chatting and feeling miserable while getting more and more intoxicated. At the end of the night I broke down crying and we decided it was time to go. My two friends followed me all the way home as they feared I might do something silly and they were right to be scared.

In the process of going from the bar to my home I had deviced a plan to jump from my window and hit the ground and thus be relieved of the pain of living. I live on the 11^th floor and its quite a long fall.

Luckily they sat with me for an hour or two until I was too tired to do anything about it and then they left. I went straight to bed and fought the urge to go onto the balcony and fell asleep eventually.

The following day I felt like shit and was closely monitored by my friends who were very afraid that I might make serious of my threats to snuff it.

The thursday Sara convinced me to visit the Psychiatric Emergency room and after waiting for five and a half hours they gave me some lovely pills to take the edge off and to fall asleep.

My problem was that I didnt like being alone, yet I couldnt handle being with people everyday.

So that was abit about my situation. I will update whenever I feel like it with the process of my recovery from this wretched disease but now my bed calls and I need to watch some Gilmore Girls and fall asleep.

Cheers and thank you for reading all of this crap