Sweet relapse

Major relapse incoming....

I promised myself to keep this blog alive and thats what Im gonna do..... Last time I talked a lil about what it means for me to have this condition and today I will talk about what has happened so far today and how my mood is....

It will be interesting....

I dont know what I expected exactly.. But maybe not that the recovery process would be this painful.

The day started out really good. Got up at like 3pm and turned on my computer while I had a cigarette and sat there in quiet contemplation and relaxed abit. Waking up for me is always the critical moment of the day. Its the moment where you know whether this day will suck or not. You sort of get out of bed. Sit there and wake up abit. Have some coffee and then it can go either way. Youll either feel the depression sneak upon you and haunt you or youll feel sort of good for a change.

Well today I woke up and went through the morning rituals. Then like an hour after I had woke up it all came crashing down on me. This whole anxiety feeling spreading like wildfire and my entire system being paralyzed by dark thoughts and a feeling of awful soul crushing darkness sweeping over me and persuading me to do all the stuff I kind of dont want to do but for some reason need to do.

I miss cutting alot. Its been a few days since last and I honestly feel like Im missing my best friend. I am now sitting here with the urge to go and pick up the knife and go for it and nothings stopping me. So I think thats what ill do.....

You get this amazing serene feeling in your system when you decide to self harm. Like youre finally at peace with your thoughts and that all you can think of is inflicting pain upon yourself. So thats what I did. Just now.

I dont know what I love more, the pain and the relief you feel when you do it. Or the feeling of blood leaving your system. Its like that when blood flows it takes away all the bad feelings with it. Like somehow they were inside of your blood and are now flowing freely down your arm and leaving your system forever.

But that isnt the case. The act of cutting is very much a quick fix and solves nothing. Apart from giving you a moment of freedom from your thoughts.

I went to my dads house for dinner tonight and while there I just sat outside smoking cigarette after cigarette while franticly reaching out to friends in order to get some ideas of what to do.

Its like Im being set back to a week ago. Last monday I felt awful and tuesday I broke down completely. It feels like its all back to where I began. You take two steps forward and then a gigantic leap back.

The ideas of suicide are back in somewhat diminished strength. Not as bad as a week ago but they are there. Haunting me. I feel like the only solution to my problems right now are to do the unthinkable and just fling myself out the window.

Today I was standing in my dads bathroom and had this moment of clarity. I said to myself ”Youre not alive a year from now”. I sort of made a deal with myself to snuff it soon.

Its horrible feeling this way but its also the only way I know how to feel for certain. I have been this way for the past 12 years and I cant remember how I was when I didnt feel like this.

Well thats the end of todays blog. Stay tuned for tomorrows episode where I will have had a visit from my contact and hopefully a very joyous skype session with someone I like who blew me off today... But then again what did I expect? Who on earth would want to spend time with me of their own free will? Oh and I might get high tomorrow... Need to feel numb....