An update.........

Wow... has it been a month already..........

I meant to write something but the words didnt come out easy... Its been a crazy ass month this June.

As Ive already hinted at Ive been a bit depressed lately.. Not suicide depressed depressed but nor was it much fun...

Each day a battle to get out of bed before 4pm each day a struggle to find a ray of sunshine.

Today is no different. I woke up and instantly knew this day would suck. The feeling of despair settled in my body as it woke up and I realized that I am stuck. Completely fucking stuck. Its a downward spiral this welfare business. On one hand I need some sort of help from the governemnt to keep alive. I cant work for much more than a few hours each day and that wont cut it as far as making ends meet goes. And right now I cant work at all. Ive turned day into night and I always seem to find some lame excuse to stay up all night and drink beers.

Which leads me to my next subject. I went to a festival in Copenhagen called Copenhell. A varitable feast for a metal head. They got metal karaoke even. At this festival some of my favorite bands were playing. Slayer, Immortal, Dying Fetus the list goes on and on. Yet I didnt experience most of it. Why you ask. Well let me tell you.

The day started at 9am. I hadnt been feeling well for some time (two months) and I was abit worried and stressed out about this reviewing a festival thing. The idea of them not having me on the guestlist (as have been the case for the majority of concerts Ive gone to in the last year) frightened me. The fact that I would have spend money on beer, food and transportation to go here and then I wasnt on the list. Money I didnt have to begin with. But all my worries were put to rest when in fact they did have me on the list. I was handed my press paraphenalia and then went to my friends in a club house to get some food and drink a few beers.

It went really well theyre cool guys and we had ourselves something to drink. For my part I had only bought a few beers. I dont exactly have the best track record. I usually get blind drunk and dont remember much of the ordeal. When I had a few drinks in may I actually broke down crying and was about to go through with a suicide if it hadnt been for some of the most kickass friends youll ever find.

I go to the festival grounds to catch the first band on the list. Skeletonwitch. A kind of boring concert and after having watched most of it I got a drink and went to sit somewhere while waiting for Killswitch Engage. I brought a notepad so I could take down notes while there so I wouldnt forget the major important things that went on.

I meet this guy from Ecuador whos really nice and cool. We get some beers on his expense and talk for a while. He comments on my arms and in that volatile state of being slightly inebriated AND abit down and out it doesnt sit well with me. I didnt lash out or anything but I did feel slightly sad that I wasnt wearing a long sleeved shirt.

Anyway. We watch the concert and towards the end my friend txts me and says he has arrived. So I go to meet him.

I get some more beers and all is fine in the kingdom of me. He said later on that I did look abit out of it which I didnt notice at the time. That day I had high spirits and was excited to be trusted with such a massive thing as reviewing a festival is. We drink some beers and walk around. Watching the shows I have to watch plus abit more. We then take seat on a hill waiting for Anthrax. Halfway through the concert my friend and his friend decide to go to the bathroom then (as I heard later on) they start talking and drinking down there. In other words. They dont come back and Im left with their friend whom I dont know. But Im great with people and we talk alot about Anthrax. Or well I educate him about the band. He then goes to the bathroom and Im left all alone on the hill. Thats when it starts to hit me. The combination of the constant barrage of new things and sound and the beer that had gotten me kind of drunk is not mixing well. I start feeling sad and depressed. When he comes back I excuse myself, go to the bathroom and then decide to go home. It wasnt the right decision but I tried staying there.I went to the side of the stage and watched some more of the concert but my anxiety was eating me up. I quickly made my way to the exit and the rest is kind of a blur. I walk and walk and walk and have no idea where Im headed. I just walk. I sit down on the side of the road a bunch of times and start crying calling out for the Psychiatric emergency room. A car stops and the driver asks if Im okay. I tell him Im fine and that I dont need help. He drives off.

While walking I called my contact and he tried to guide me. He then said that he would make sure I was headed the right direction before he took off and went to my home to help me get to the ER. I walked about three km which seemed like twenty and it took me about 2 hours. I call my friend when I arrive in my town and he can hear that all is not well. He takes his car and meets me at my place. We talk and when my contact arrive we go to the ER.

The ER cant help me although I am clearly not well. My anxiety had gone but the feeling was still nestled in my body. They asked me if I had any plans to kill myself and I said ”No but I wouldnt mind not exisiting” If thats not a trigger word then I dont know what the hell is then. Anyways. I get home my contact leaves and me and my friend talk until about 3 am where I am so tired from the pills I took that I want to go to bed. Again my amazing friends come to the rescue and help me out when Im in my most fragile state of being. My contact is also the guy who stayed with me in May when I was contemplating suicide after my breakdown at the bar.

The following days I was completely drained of energy. Couldnt do anything apart from just sit and stare at my computer. After that I was back to just being depressed and self destructive.

Ive had a few good days recently. My weekend was a bit messed up. I slept a few hours here and there but mostly I kept up all night and went to bed at 6pm. That is all sorted now. The next task is learning how to get up before 4pm.

Right now Im back to feeling like shit and self destructive. I feel like the walls are moving in on me and I can physically see the walls of my room moving. My shelves are tipping over and everything isnt settled and standing still. Its weird how this hallucination business works out aint it.

I would write more but this has taken a good portion of my energy and my mood is getting gradually worse with each sentence. I will do an update when I have the mind power for it

Cheerios

Being manic

So its been awhile.. And Im sitting here, once again, after midnight thinking a million thoughts a second again. So I thought. Lets get that shit on paper and publish it.. For my own personal gain...

Ive noticed that nobody reads this blog and Im actually kind of happy about that.. This is my own personal experiences with Schizophrenia and a journal I keep to detail my recovery and have something to look back at so I can see what was going on in my mind at the time. Like the scars on my arms it will serve as a reminder that the mind is a terrible thing to waste and of just how low Ive been. Thus enabling me to get some perspective and come back harder. I dont know why I had to justify myself right there but hey Im fucking hyper atm so nothing makes sense....

So... Ive actually been pretty stable the past few days... My mood is sort of indifferent or well has been indifferent. When I woke up I was kind of stuck in a hole. Abit pissy and abit down. I had to get up early and basically run to the town administration office to hand in a paper to ensure I get my welfare. Everything worked out and they promised me Ill get paid on thursday so thats where it all started going upwards. I went home and saw I had a mail from Relapse Records in my inbox. And lo and behold it had the new Dying Fetus album in it. A band I love and luckily I got permission from my editor to download and review it. So it went upwards abit more. Then I got my coffee and now were talking serious fucking caffeine high. I then started planning how to spend my money efficiently and this whole feeling of security contributed to my high. I rose and rose through the skies and reached the outer reaches of the earth. Nothing could bring me down...

The thing with Schizophrenia is that sometimes you will get theese sort of manic phases where everything seems to revolve around you. My delusions feed into this since today it seems like everything has happened for a reason. Every little thing on my way today was put there by the gods or the suits behind the scenery and I know it seems weird but thats what I feel like. I know its not true and I dont believe in fate but today it certainly seems like the entire world revolves around me and only me.

When I get like this I go so high that I loose touch with earth. I go farther than my lifesupport can handle and thats when the fall kicks in. A seemingly endless fall triggered by the fact that your brain is so full of signals to interpret that it just shuts down. The entire overjoyed state of mind shifts and turns into depression and sends you falling faster than anyone can catch you. I know because Ive been here before. Ive gone through this countless times already. Being so manic and happy thinking that everything is put in your way for a reason. Spending tons of cash on pointless things because you get a wicked impulse in your brain that tells you that you have to have this now and that it wont be there next month when you can actually afford it. People with schizophrenia often act on impulse alot and I am very guilty of that. It makes me fun to be around as Ill get weird ideas in the middle of the night and act on them, but its dangerous for me as its not just like an idea that pops up into my mind. Its a need or a craving for something that I cant ignore. For instance. When Ive gone to bed and cant sleep all of a sudden I will get this idea that I need food. Im not really hungry or anything I just want to eat. So instead of ignoring that and getting a good nights sleep I get out of bed and cook not because I want to but because I have to. Otherwise bad stuff will happen.
Ive been to many record stores and bought a ton of vinyls that I couldnt afford but simply because my brain was telling me that I need to get theese things otherwise something will happen.

So here I am. Almost 1 am and Ive peaked. Im not totally crashed yet but I can feel the sadness rising in me. That feeling you get when youre about to cry. Thats what Im feeling right now. On the verge of yet another breakdown and for some reason I cant cry. I want to burst out into tears but something is preventing me.

I zone out here and there and loose my train of thought and the need to self harm is back yet again. Havent done it for a week or so (if I recall correctly) but now the need is back and its kicking my arse.

I wont be able to sleep at this rate but Ive taken some Oxazepam in order to not loose my mind completely.

Im anticipating the next few days to be really hard work getting through. Luckily my money problems end on thursday so I wont have to be worried about not eating. I am gonna storm to the supermarket and buy like 300dkr worth of meat and stick it in the freezer. That way Im ensured for the rest of the month that Ill have meat to eat. And then have loads of spending money to burn on whatever I want. Which feels really good.

When you start getting depressed you can feel it. Theres an uneasy feeling in your body and for me my eyes start to hurt a bit. They feel like Im about to cry. You get all weird. Your mind stops reacting and you tend to just sit there and stare at thin air while you try to formulate a thought. But nothing useful comes out its all gibberish. And my voice comes back and starts mumbling and then saying things here and there. Like kill your cat or jump out the window. I know all of his tricks and thankfully I am so strong and properly medicated that I can laugh at it and ignore it....

Tomorrow theres a free concert on in the town square. My contact is coming over for coffee and another epic chat about life. My friend Sara is coming over to delight me with her excellent company.

Tomorrow will be a tough one but Im determined to flip it around and make it a good day. Chances are I wont go to the concert if I feel too shit or I can feel anxiety creeping up on me. But I really want to go, yet I dont want to go.

See you all later....

My voices and me

I would say my life consists of three periods....

My childhood from age 0-13

My bad years 13 – 23

My recovery 23 and on

The whole Recovery part is a bit sketchy still since it hasnt really happened yet but everything is getting better and hopefully with this blog Ill be able to document what exactly goes on in my mind while I get better.

Today I want to take a moment of everyones time to talk about theese here people that live inside my head.

I would say that I have a good side and a bad side. Anyone can relate to that. The bad side is what makes us cheat and lie the good side is what makes us love each other.

On top of having theese impulses I have a little passenger with me. A male voice, I reckon its my own but havent been able to really figure that out yet. Most of the time he's rambling and muttering in an incoherrent mess that noone can decipher. Sending out noise to hamper my thoughts. Right now he's muttering something about not writing about him. But fuck me sideways thats exactly what I intend on doing.

Ive had this voice all my life and for a very long time I thought that it was just me thinking out loud. Like my thoughts would be all negative and I would vocalize them in my head. But in the past few weeks Ive noticed a difference between actually thinking and hearing things. When I have a thought it appears very clear and acts as a sort of impulse. Something I need to buy something I need to get done. Like do the dishes or put another filter on a picture Im editing. The voice is commanding and telling me stuff like ”wouldnt it be nice to throw yourself off the balcony”. When Im around people I care about he just shouts words like ”slut” and ”whore”. Telling him that I need to shout theese things out. It kind of acts like a person with Tourettes I think. Only I hear someone telling me theese words in my heads. The urge to say them is overpowering but Ive never once slipped because I dont want to. Ive had some bad experiences in the past. One I remember vividly.

I was on the phone with my then girlfriend, a wonderful girl I ended up staying with for two and a half years, the urge to hurt her became overpowering and I tried to force her to break up so as to justify feeling bad. It went completely ape shit with me telling her that she didnt want to be with me and stuff. Luckily she didnt break up with me.

Right now he's telling me that my family will die if I publish this. And my delusional self is giving in to the fear big time. But Im at a point where I know how to ignore theese irrational things and focus on the prize.

I dont know how I have mastered the urge to give in. I was never given any training in the matter but there must be some really logical part of me that beats this down.

Seeing as its only a recent discovery were still to try and deal with it but I hope that some day in the not to distant future I will have ignored him for so long that he will dissapear and never be seen from again.

Today Ive been feeling kind of bummed out. I have met a chick that Im really happy Ive met but it is not without its costs. I spend the majority of the day in longing counting down to the second she logs on. I feel sick and depressed and theese past days Ive been really scared that a major relapse is inbound and that I will do stuff to myself I wish I wouldnt.

When we talk its heaven. My emotions switch from pure depression to that of serene calm and overecstatic joy. And then when we stop talking my heart sinks in my chest and Im back to being miserable.

Sound familiar ? Yes my droogies. It is the keen sting of love that hits us all. The difference between you and me is that HE starts telling me horrible things that she is no doubt gonna do to me and horrible things that I am gonna do to her. I get the urge to selfharm ten fold because its a way to focus on pain and get him out of my head.

Luckily Im well medicated and a pretty rational person so I have enough sense to leave it at the door. Im not about to give in to some crazy delusion that she will find someone else and therefore I have to break it off before I get hurt.

This is where the idea of cognitive treatment comes in.

See yesterday I wrote her a long message about my condition so that she wouldnt be taken by surprise. It was a way to get things off my chest because I need the person that Im about to involve myself with to know what she is getting in to. My immediate thoughts were that of fear. She would see it, get freaked out and leave me instantly. I had a night of uneasy sleep as I tried to do excersises and calm myself down.

I woke up to messages on my phone saying that she is not about to leave me over this and that she still wants me ever so badly. So that goes into the bank and the next time I do something similar I will know that I have her support.

That thought empowers me...

Now its back to editing and trying to dismiss this sickening urge...

Good night !

Aaaaaaaand were back

So I havent really been making good on my promise to keep this blog alive... See the thing is... When I feel bad I tend to wallow in self pity which isnt exactly an appealing character trait. I want to express my suffering to people.

When I start feeling better I tend to try and tell myself that I was exaggerating and that it really wasnt that hard. But this time around Ive come to the conclusion that my depressive state, which lasted three weeks in total, was the worst state I have been in in my entire life. No rays of light, no exits, just blackness and depression whereever you looked.

I started feeling better recently. Actually last wednesday. I met with my contact and he gave me a camera I was supposed to use the following day at a sporting event for users of the social psychiatry in this town and the town next to it. So I went there thursday took about 1300 pictures, spent 6 hours in pouring rain either sitting down on the grass and even lying down to take the shots I wanted. It was a fantastic day but man was I tired when it was all over. And my back was aching like a motherfucker. I got this back issue from sitting slumped over at my computer for like two years every day and it was really showing when it was over.

So life went on and I was happy. I had and still have the camera and have plans to go to Copenhagen soon to take pictures of homeless people for my little project that will end in an exhibition and a book we will give to the homeless for free so they have something to show. They are special people and the fire theyre full of inspires me.

But tuesday I went to my dads house for dinner and it all sort of came flooding back to me. I started feeling this sick urge to self harm and I started feeling invaded by thoughts and darkness yet again.

I know myself pretty well and what Im standing in front of is a major relapse into this depressive state yet again. The english chick is keeping my spirits up but Im only ever happy for the duration of our conversation and then Im all alone and shit starts to heat up yet again.

Today its thursday or well actually its after midnight so technically its friday but I havent slept so its still thursday.
Im clinging on to the ledge for dear life. I am trying to do my excersises and stay happy. Listen to Hardstyle which always makes me fucking happy and just try and avoid any negative influences.

But what is life if not for a bunch of ups and downs. My mother came to visit in January to see my very first exhibition and she even bought a picture. There were specific guidelines for how she wanted this picture and we went right on it.

Then we got wind of the fact that the course was closing and suddenly we were racing to finish everything we were working on and forgot all about the picture. As of today she still hasnt received what she paid for partly due to the fact that we got really busy and then my melt down happened. And partly because the library havent said a peep as we asked them to make the picture into a poster with all their logos and stuff on it. I dont have access to theese logos and cant make it myself only the library can.

My sister then got on skype with me and started tearing me a new arsehole about the picture. Saying that I should pay my mother back or give her the picture by next month. At the end I felt so let down and hurt by my sisters behavior that I told her to shut the fuck up and stay out of this matter as it didnt concern her.

I am under the assumption that my mother has been complaining to her and now shes taking matters into her own hands and it hurts me severely to see my sister exhuberating the same behavior as my mom has been this past year.

As of today I have received no phone calls and absolutely NO HELP whatsoever. I texted her to tell her that this time it was all back and it was worse than it had ever been. She replied... Damn can we do something ? To which I replied lets have coffee. And instead of showing some interest and maybe coming to visit me in Copenhagen (she lives an hour away by train) she asked me to meet her for coffee in central Copenhagen (I live in a suburb to Copenhagen) because she was going there anyway to shop with my sister. I had to blow it off because I was too unstable to go to a place with a lot of people and didnt want to be doped up on Oxazepam when I went there. She could have maybe gotten in her car and driven to see me and actually show she cares. Or maybe just give me a friendly phone call to calm me down. But none of this happened. Shows me that she really doesnt care either way and it fucking hurts to have a mother that doesnt want to know of her child. Ive stopped confiding in her because we had an episode a year ago that was really bad and this further strengthens my belief in myself. Im doing the right thing by keeping her out of my life because she doesnt care either way.

After the guilt trip I reached a decision. I will finish the picture without all the text she wants because thats easily done. Then give her back the 100 dkr she paid for it and be done with it.

Im sitting here now quite downed by theese comments. My sister means the world to me. Ive never been mad at her my entire life and then she pulls a stunt like that. Hurts me to my very core.

So Ive decided one thing that Ill do when I wake up. I am gonna go to the store and get myself a brand new knife as the old one broke. A fresh clean sharp blade and just have it lying around. The need to self harm is back with full force and I want to have a knife close by that I can control. If I dont have a smaller one I will use my big kitchen knife and that I cant control. So its in my best interest to get a smaller one that is easier to handle in case I need it.

Such is the reality of the cutter. Its sad but true.

I even started watching youtube videos and documentaries on mental illnesses. Which is a sure sign that things are about to go to hell. I usually only do that when I need to be able to identify myself with other people. Ive never belonged anyhwere but the course I went to and it being gone is a hard reality to swallow. I use theese documentaries to see that other people feel like me and that I am not alone. But also as a justification for self harm and other stuff. Since others do it Im allowed because that makes it normal.

So now Im off and I promise to keep updating even though NOONE reads this fucking thing......