Wow... has
it been a month already..........
I meant to
write something but the words didnt come out easy... Its been a crazy
ass month this June.
As Ive
already hinted at Ive been a bit depressed lately.. Not suicide
depressed depressed but nor was it much fun...
Each day a
battle to get out of bed before 4pm each day a struggle to find a ray
of sunshine.
Today is
no different. I woke up and instantly knew this day would suck. The
feeling of despair settled in my body as it woke up and I realized
that I am stuck. Completely fucking stuck. Its a downward spiral this
welfare business. On one hand I need some sort of help from the
governemnt to keep alive. I cant work for much more than a few hours
each day and that wont cut it as far as making ends meet goes. And
right now I cant work at all. Ive turned day into night and I always
seem to find some lame excuse to stay up all night and drink beers.
Which
leads me to my next subject. I went to a festival in Copenhagen
called Copenhell. A varitable feast for a metal head. They got metal
karaoke even. At this festival some of my favorite bands were
playing. Slayer, Immortal, Dying Fetus the list goes on and on. Yet I
didnt experience most of it. Why you ask. Well let me tell you.
The day started at 9am. I hadnt been feeling well for some time (two months) and I was abit worried and stressed out about this reviewing a festival thing. The idea of them not having me on the guestlist (as have been the case for the majority of concerts Ive gone to in the last year) frightened me. The fact that I would have spend money on beer, food and transportation to go here and then I wasnt on the list. Money I didnt have to begin with. But all my worries were put to rest when in fact they did have me on the list. I was handed my press paraphenalia and then went to my friends in a club house to get some food and drink a few beers.
It went
really well theyre cool guys and we had ourselves something to drink.
For my part I had only bought a few beers. I dont exactly have the
best track record. I usually get blind drunk and dont remember much
of the ordeal. When I had a few drinks in may I actually broke down
crying and was about to go through with a suicide if it hadnt been
for some of the most kickass friends youll ever find.
I go to
the festival grounds to catch the first band on the list.
Skeletonwitch. A kind of boring concert and after having watched most
of it I got a drink and went to sit somewhere while waiting for
Killswitch Engage. I brought a notepad so I could take down notes
while there so I wouldnt forget the major important things that went
on.
I meet
this guy from Ecuador whos really nice and cool. We get some beers on
his expense and talk for a while. He comments on my arms and in that
volatile state of being slightly inebriated AND abit down and out it
doesnt sit well with me. I didnt lash out or anything but I did feel
slightly sad that I wasnt wearing a long sleeved shirt.
Anyway. We
watch the concert and towards the end my friend txts me and says he
has arrived. So I go to meet him.
I get some
more beers and all is fine in the kingdom of me. He said later on
that I did look abit out of it which I didnt notice at the time. That
day I had high spirits and was excited to be trusted with such a
massive thing as reviewing a festival is. We drink some beers and
walk around. Watching the shows I have to watch plus abit more. We
then take seat on a hill waiting for Anthrax. Halfway through the
concert my friend and his friend decide to go to the bathroom then
(as I heard later on) they start talking and drinking down there. In
other words. They dont come back and Im left with their friend whom I
dont know. But Im great with people and we talk alot about Anthrax.
Or well I educate him about the band. He then goes to the bathroom
and Im left all alone on the hill. Thats when it starts to hit me.
The combination of the constant barrage of new things and sound and
the beer that had gotten me kind of drunk is not mixing well. I start
feeling sad and depressed. When he comes back I excuse myself, go to
the bathroom and then decide to go home. It wasnt the right decision
but I tried staying there.I went to the side of the stage and watched
some more of the concert but my anxiety was eating me up. I quickly
made my way to the exit and the rest is kind of a blur. I walk and
walk and walk and have no idea where Im headed. I just walk. I sit
down on the side of the road a bunch of times and start crying
calling out for the Psychiatric emergency room. A car stops and the
driver asks if Im okay. I tell him Im fine and that I dont need help.
He drives off.
While
walking I called my contact and he tried to guide me. He then said
that he would make sure I was headed the right direction before he
took off and went to my home to help me get to the ER. I walked about
three km which seemed like twenty and it took me about 2 hours. I
call my friend when I arrive in my town and he can hear that all is
not well. He takes his car and meets me at my place. We talk and when
my contact arrive we go to the ER.
The ER
cant help me although I am clearly not well. My anxiety had gone but
the feeling was still nestled in my body. They asked me if I had any
plans to kill myself and I said ”No but I wouldnt mind not
exisiting” If thats not a trigger word then I dont know what the
hell is then. Anyways. I get home my contact leaves and me and my
friend talk until about 3 am where I am so tired from the pills I
took that I want to go to bed. Again my amazing friends come to the
rescue and help me out when Im in my most fragile state of being. My
contact is also the guy who stayed with me in May when I was
contemplating suicide after my breakdown at the bar.
The
following days I was completely drained of energy. Couldnt do
anything apart from just sit and stare at my computer. After that I
was back to just being depressed and self destructive.
Ive had a
few good days recently. My weekend was a bit messed up. I slept a few
hours here and there but mostly I kept up all night and went to bed
at 6pm. That is all sorted now. The next task is learning how to get
up before 4pm.
Right now
Im back to feeling like shit and self destructive. I feel like the
walls are moving in on me and I can physically see the walls of my
room moving. My shelves are tipping over and everything isnt settled
and standing still. Its weird how this hallucination business works
out aint it.
I would
write more but this has taken a good portion of my energy and my mood
is getting gradually worse with each sentence. I will do an update
when I have the mind power for it
Cheerios
