An update.........

Wow... has it been a month already..........

I meant to write something but the words didnt come out easy... Its been a crazy ass month this June.

As Ive already hinted at Ive been a bit depressed lately.. Not suicide depressed depressed but nor was it much fun...

Each day a battle to get out of bed before 4pm each day a struggle to find a ray of sunshine.

Today is no different. I woke up and instantly knew this day would suck. The feeling of despair settled in my body as it woke up and I realized that I am stuck. Completely fucking stuck. Its a downward spiral this welfare business. On one hand I need some sort of help from the governemnt to keep alive. I cant work for much more than a few hours each day and that wont cut it as far as making ends meet goes. And right now I cant work at all. Ive turned day into night and I always seem to find some lame excuse to stay up all night and drink beers.

Which leads me to my next subject. I went to a festival in Copenhagen called Copenhell. A varitable feast for a metal head. They got metal karaoke even. At this festival some of my favorite bands were playing. Slayer, Immortal, Dying Fetus the list goes on and on. Yet I didnt experience most of it. Why you ask. Well let me tell you.

The day started at 9am. I hadnt been feeling well for some time (two months) and I was abit worried and stressed out about this reviewing a festival thing. The idea of them not having me on the guestlist (as have been the case for the majority of concerts Ive gone to in the last year) frightened me. The fact that I would have spend money on beer, food and transportation to go here and then I wasnt on the list. Money I didnt have to begin with. But all my worries were put to rest when in fact they did have me on the list. I was handed my press paraphenalia and then went to my friends in a club house to get some food and drink a few beers.

It went really well theyre cool guys and we had ourselves something to drink. For my part I had only bought a few beers. I dont exactly have the best track record. I usually get blind drunk and dont remember much of the ordeal. When I had a few drinks in may I actually broke down crying and was about to go through with a suicide if it hadnt been for some of the most kickass friends youll ever find.

I go to the festival grounds to catch the first band on the list. Skeletonwitch. A kind of boring concert and after having watched most of it I got a drink and went to sit somewhere while waiting for Killswitch Engage. I brought a notepad so I could take down notes while there so I wouldnt forget the major important things that went on.

I meet this guy from Ecuador whos really nice and cool. We get some beers on his expense and talk for a while. He comments on my arms and in that volatile state of being slightly inebriated AND abit down and out it doesnt sit well with me. I didnt lash out or anything but I did feel slightly sad that I wasnt wearing a long sleeved shirt.

Anyway. We watch the concert and towards the end my friend txts me and says he has arrived. So I go to meet him.

I get some more beers and all is fine in the kingdom of me. He said later on that I did look abit out of it which I didnt notice at the time. That day I had high spirits and was excited to be trusted with such a massive thing as reviewing a festival is. We drink some beers and walk around. Watching the shows I have to watch plus abit more. We then take seat on a hill waiting for Anthrax. Halfway through the concert my friend and his friend decide to go to the bathroom then (as I heard later on) they start talking and drinking down there. In other words. They dont come back and Im left with their friend whom I dont know. But Im great with people and we talk alot about Anthrax. Or well I educate him about the band. He then goes to the bathroom and Im left all alone on the hill. Thats when it starts to hit me. The combination of the constant barrage of new things and sound and the beer that had gotten me kind of drunk is not mixing well. I start feeling sad and depressed. When he comes back I excuse myself, go to the bathroom and then decide to go home. It wasnt the right decision but I tried staying there.I went to the side of the stage and watched some more of the concert but my anxiety was eating me up. I quickly made my way to the exit and the rest is kind of a blur. I walk and walk and walk and have no idea where Im headed. I just walk. I sit down on the side of the road a bunch of times and start crying calling out for the Psychiatric emergency room. A car stops and the driver asks if Im okay. I tell him Im fine and that I dont need help. He drives off.

While walking I called my contact and he tried to guide me. He then said that he would make sure I was headed the right direction before he took off and went to my home to help me get to the ER. I walked about three km which seemed like twenty and it took me about 2 hours. I call my friend when I arrive in my town and he can hear that all is not well. He takes his car and meets me at my place. We talk and when my contact arrive we go to the ER.

The ER cant help me although I am clearly not well. My anxiety had gone but the feeling was still nestled in my body. They asked me if I had any plans to kill myself and I said ”No but I wouldnt mind not exisiting” If thats not a trigger word then I dont know what the hell is then. Anyways. I get home my contact leaves and me and my friend talk until about 3 am where I am so tired from the pills I took that I want to go to bed. Again my amazing friends come to the rescue and help me out when Im in my most fragile state of being. My contact is also the guy who stayed with me in May when I was contemplating suicide after my breakdown at the bar.

The following days I was completely drained of energy. Couldnt do anything apart from just sit and stare at my computer. After that I was back to just being depressed and self destructive.

Ive had a few good days recently. My weekend was a bit messed up. I slept a few hours here and there but mostly I kept up all night and went to bed at 6pm. That is all sorted now. The next task is learning how to get up before 4pm.

Right now Im back to feeling like shit and self destructive. I feel like the walls are moving in on me and I can physically see the walls of my room moving. My shelves are tipping over and everything isnt settled and standing still. Its weird how this hallucination business works out aint it.

I would write more but this has taken a good portion of my energy and my mood is getting gradually worse with each sentence. I will do an update when I have the mind power for it

Cheerios