Update

Its been a few days since my last confession....

I cant find the energy to keep this blog updated on a daily basis so Ill just do it here and there and now its been 3 days and I have something to talk about yet again....

I was supposed to get paid on the 31^st, meaning yesterday, and I was supposed to go to the store and buy a ton of meats so Id have for the rest of the month and didnt have to worry about feeding myself until next month. Well its funny how things work out isnt it. I checked my account balance to find that I had only been given 500 dkr which is next to nothing seeing as Im supposed to get 7800 dkr. So I called the council and after trying three times I got through and asked them what the hell was up with my welfare. Well turns out my case worker hadnt replied to an important mail about the details of my welfare and thus they hadnt been able to give me any money. My case worker is notorious for being impossible to get through to and quite lazy so I was panicking.

I got her number through an employee at my old course and then called her. Turns out she had been on vacation and yet again hadnt given my case on to somebody else to handle. She apologized and fixed it. So now Im waiting for my money to go through the system and Ill have them tuesday or wednesday. Its the best they can do and I guess Im okay with that. It doesnt really matter when I get them as long as I have enough to survive until then.

I then txted my dad, who is on vacation with his wife in Sweden, and asked if I could borrow some money so I would have enough to keep me tied over till next week and to pay my phone bill. He gave me the money and a few words with them....

When I discovered I hadnt gotten paid my initial response was that of anger. Then when I had to get through to my case worker I started panicking and feeling this thing in my stomach that kept growin in size. This dark dark feeling of depression sneaking up on me yet again. When I then borrowed the money from my dad my downfall was made complete. He wants the best for me but I dont need to hear that ”you WILL pay me back next week and youve borrowed x amount of money so far, you need to get your economy under control son”. It pains me. It really does. To know that Im a major dissapointment to my family and to know that no matter how supportive they are they still have that little hint of doubt in me.

So I called my friend Janus and was on the verge of crying. I asked him if he could come over and keep me company as it was all abit too much right now. He did just that. Dropped what he had in his hands and drove over and stayed here till about 1 am.

We had some good talks and went for a burger aswell. While sitting in the kebab place I couldnt focus on the conversation having to constantly keep check of my surroundings and at one point I completely zoned out for several minutes before I was brought back down. It was weird and I started doubting that I was fit for society at this point. Maybe getting admitted would be a really good idea just to take the top off and to settle down and chill for a bit.

I even started crying when I was talking about some painful stuff. We have the best talks and I think he understands me better than anybody ever will. He said that despite the things I was fighting I was surprisingly well functioning which made me kind of proud. The fact that I can be very ill and still nobody can tell me apart from someone normal.

When I feel down and friends come over I switch my focus to the person Im entertaining. Sure I might zone out often and get my thoussand yard stare on but other than that Im quite nice to be around.

Today I went to see my psychiatrist and talk about what was going on at the moment. I told her Im considering getting admitted to a ward because its too much to handle at the moment. She then, surprisingly, said that she doesnt know if Ill actually benefit from being admitted. Sure it might take the edge of but it wasnt in my best interest to get admitted as I wouldnt benefit from it. Which made me happy because she is a professional tasked with treating me for this devilish disease and there she is telling me that she thinks I wouldnt benefit from an admission to a ward.

I havent heard of anyone dealing with the same illness that hasnt been admitted atleast once and I thought for sure that my time had come. My mind is unravelling at the moment and the depressiveness and self harm is more or less out of control. But according to her its because there has been ALOT of change recently and its only natural that I get stressed out with that much going on. She is confident that things will clear up when I start my new project in a weeks time and that makes me confident.

Thats all for me tonight... Good night