My mother ladies and gentlemen

Hey blogspot.. Its been awhile.. How you been?

Me ?

Ive been doing okay... You know not really bad not really good.. Stable is what Id call it.... Really nice to not really feel either great pain or great joy.... My weekend was spent trying to get stable to the point where I actually started doing my dishes and cleaning.... Havent showered for a while tho... but thatll change tomorrow.... Its half past 1 am here so not gonna do that right now...

Anyway... My weekend was decent enough.. Kind of starved for attention as everybody was out of town and I had no fucking money coz they screwed it up again... Did I already write that ? Cant remember

Anyway.... Yesterday.. Monday... I got a surprise call from my mother... Drunk off her ass and talking complete bullshit.. As per usual....

So heres a lil story about my beloved mother....

My mother who pretty early on in my life declared her utter distaste for me. When I was first born it was a laborious proces. First I wasnt coming out the right way so they had to give her a c section mid birth.

The wound got infected and she was hospitalized doped up on morphine for like two weeks. The doctors then told her I was born retarded and if she had the strength she said she would have thrown me out of the window...

So the lines were drawn from day one...

As I hit 13 my illness started kicking in and I became more and more isolated... She responded by constantly fighting with me.. Fights I picked but fights she should be the bigger person and stop. Sometimes she started them.

She got drunk every single weekend. Sitting up all night by the phone and calling everyone in her phonebook sometimes falling asleep while on the phone with someone.

In theese times whenever I would go to the bathroom she would call me to the living room and then start asking me if she was a bad mother and talk about her dad and her work. I was real young with this shit started and not ready to deal with all her problems.

My littlesister would often stay up all night coz she would wake up hearing my mothers voice in the living room. She would then walk aimlessly around with a shitty diaper and whenever I found her I would change her and bring her to my room until her dad came and picked her up. This happened a fair few times and must have been a massive strain on my sister.

Anyway... There are so many details but I cannot be arsed to list em all...

When I moved to Copenhagen to live with my dad she was nice all of a sudden.. Crying and saying I would never come back. I promised her I would indeed come back and I continued to visit her long after I left home.

I was put on medication around age 16. Medicine with the side effect that I became very tired. The medication was supposed to be like this for a few weeks until it started working. Angry at my dad because of being in a home where all of a sudden I had rules to follow and expectations to live up to I went to my mums for dinner with my girlfriend. And my mum took my pills and read me the side effects. Blowing them way out of proportions and in the end she got me to quit taking them and have a very deep running hatred of psychiatri. She took her own fear of psychiatry coz of what happened to her dad and transferred it to me.

Man if only I could have accepted the help back then things would look different now. But no she had to interfere.

Well days turn to weeks turn to years and things go on. I continue talking to my mother because I might not be overecstatic about my parental situation but theyre the only ones Im gonna get. And after I moved out my mom became alot more tolerable.

Anyway... Fast forward to last year. We go on vacation together. And on the last night there. On my fucking birthday. She rips me a new arsehole. She starts casual. Why dont you like your brother? I have to explain that my brother represents all the qualities I hate in other human beings. He is so incredibly shallowed pretentious and got theese big ideas about what life should be. Namely working yourself to death and getting married. He is another sheep in the flock and he frequently lets me know what a dissapointment I am to my family.

Then she starts telling me that I only want to spend time with her because I want her money. Which is so far from the truth its nowhere to be seen. I used to spend time with my mum because I enjoyed her company and was happy that we seemed to be on the same page. That she had my back and supported me in my fight against this illness. I was sadly mistaken as she was about to show me.

She told me I spent too much time being ill. That I was hiding behind my diagnosis and that I had to get over it. She did after all conquer a brief stint with depression and talking to the shrink made her all energetic. I had to try and explain how talking to anyone about personal stuff and using my mind like that tires me the fuck out. She said that yeah sure she had felt like suicide but she got over it. I then told her how I wake up every morning and have been for the past 10 years (at that point) feeling like I needed to end my life. I tried to explain to her about the frantic states of mind and how I perceived reality. She was listening but not really. She continued verbally assaulting me and at the end I told her goodnight then went to bed.

I wrote her when I got home and told her I thought her behaviour was unacceptable and that I didnt want to talk to her anymore... It was a long drawn out facebook fight with her deleting me off both skype and facebook in the process...

At the end she wrote me and tried to guilt trip me into saying I was sorry but I remained cold and told her that if she wanted to cut me out of her life then that was how it was gonna happen..... She then called and asked us to reconcile.

Ever since then Ive had a strained relationship with my mother. I dont contact her about anything.

Then a few weeks ago when life was really tough I did. Because I thought she might like to know and maybe come visit. She never visited she never called.

Then yesterday she called me. Completely drunk and talking about how she wanted me to live in a protected enviroment. With professionals to waiter on me because I obviously didnt function on a day to day basis. Ill keep it short as Im tired and need to make an important email...

She told me I was VERY VERY ill.. She said she doesnt believe in psychiatry.. She said I wasnt intelligent when I said I had insights that people would kill for after three years of therapy (that shit does that to you). She said I lived in a different world than that of the rest of the world.

She tried guilt tripping me into doing something just to give her peace at mind. Nothing this woman does is a selfless act of kindness. Theres always a catch.

After having listened to her drunken babble for quite some time she told me goodnight and I hit my enrage timer.

After that Ive been feeling quite shit. But Ive reached a decision. Im cutting her from my life like the cancerous growth she is.

Goodbye mum...

To quote Tech N9ne

I love you but fuck you !

Update

Its been a few days since my last confession....

I cant find the energy to keep this blog updated on a daily basis so Ill just do it here and there and now its been 3 days and I have something to talk about yet again....

I was supposed to get paid on the 31^st, meaning yesterday, and I was supposed to go to the store and buy a ton of meats so Id have for the rest of the month and didnt have to worry about feeding myself until next month. Well its funny how things work out isnt it. I checked my account balance to find that I had only been given 500 dkr which is next to nothing seeing as Im supposed to get 7800 dkr. So I called the council and after trying three times I got through and asked them what the hell was up with my welfare. Well turns out my case worker hadnt replied to an important mail about the details of my welfare and thus they hadnt been able to give me any money. My case worker is notorious for being impossible to get through to and quite lazy so I was panicking.

I got her number through an employee at my old course and then called her. Turns out she had been on vacation and yet again hadnt given my case on to somebody else to handle. She apologized and fixed it. So now Im waiting for my money to go through the system and Ill have them tuesday or wednesday. Its the best they can do and I guess Im okay with that. It doesnt really matter when I get them as long as I have enough to survive until then.

I then txted my dad, who is on vacation with his wife in Sweden, and asked if I could borrow some money so I would have enough to keep me tied over till next week and to pay my phone bill. He gave me the money and a few words with them....

When I discovered I hadnt gotten paid my initial response was that of anger. Then when I had to get through to my case worker I started panicking and feeling this thing in my stomach that kept growin in size. This dark dark feeling of depression sneaking up on me yet again. When I then borrowed the money from my dad my downfall was made complete. He wants the best for me but I dont need to hear that ”you WILL pay me back next week and youve borrowed x amount of money so far, you need to get your economy under control son”. It pains me. It really does. To know that Im a major dissapointment to my family and to know that no matter how supportive they are they still have that little hint of doubt in me.

So I called my friend Janus and was on the verge of crying. I asked him if he could come over and keep me company as it was all abit too much right now. He did just that. Dropped what he had in his hands and drove over and stayed here till about 1 am.

We had some good talks and went for a burger aswell. While sitting in the kebab place I couldnt focus on the conversation having to constantly keep check of my surroundings and at one point I completely zoned out for several minutes before I was brought back down. It was weird and I started doubting that I was fit for society at this point. Maybe getting admitted would be a really good idea just to take the top off and to settle down and chill for a bit.

I even started crying when I was talking about some painful stuff. We have the best talks and I think he understands me better than anybody ever will. He said that despite the things I was fighting I was surprisingly well functioning which made me kind of proud. The fact that I can be very ill and still nobody can tell me apart from someone normal.

When I feel down and friends come over I switch my focus to the person Im entertaining. Sure I might zone out often and get my thoussand yard stare on but other than that Im quite nice to be around.

Today I went to see my psychiatrist and talk about what was going on at the moment. I told her Im considering getting admitted to a ward because its too much to handle at the moment. She then, surprisingly, said that she doesnt know if Ill actually benefit from being admitted. Sure it might take the edge of but it wasnt in my best interest to get admitted as I wouldnt benefit from it. Which made me happy because she is a professional tasked with treating me for this devilish disease and there she is telling me that she thinks I wouldnt benefit from an admission to a ward.

I havent heard of anyone dealing with the same illness that hasnt been admitted atleast once and I thought for sure that my time had come. My mind is unravelling at the moment and the depressiveness and self harm is more or less out of control. But according to her its because there has been ALOT of change recently and its only natural that I get stressed out with that much going on. She is confident that things will clear up when I start my new project in a weeks time and that makes me confident.

Thats all for me tonight... Good night

Being manic

So its been awhile.. And Im sitting here, once again, after midnight thinking a million thoughts a second again. So I thought. Lets get that shit on paper and publish it.. For my own personal gain...

Ive noticed that nobody reads this blog and Im actually kind of happy about that.. This is my own personal experiences with Schizophrenia and a journal I keep to detail my recovery and have something to look back at so I can see what was going on in my mind at the time. Like the scars on my arms it will serve as a reminder that the mind is a terrible thing to waste and of just how low Ive been. Thus enabling me to get some perspective and come back harder. I dont know why I had to justify myself right there but hey Im fucking hyper atm so nothing makes sense....

So... Ive actually been pretty stable the past few days... My mood is sort of indifferent or well has been indifferent. When I woke up I was kind of stuck in a hole. Abit pissy and abit down. I had to get up early and basically run to the town administration office to hand in a paper to ensure I get my welfare. Everything worked out and they promised me Ill get paid on thursday so thats where it all started going upwards. I went home and saw I had a mail from Relapse Records in my inbox. And lo and behold it had the new Dying Fetus album in it. A band I love and luckily I got permission from my editor to download and review it. So it went upwards abit more. Then I got my coffee and now were talking serious fucking caffeine high. I then started planning how to spend my money efficiently and this whole feeling of security contributed to my high. I rose and rose through the skies and reached the outer reaches of the earth. Nothing could bring me down...

The thing with Schizophrenia is that sometimes you will get theese sort of manic phases where everything seems to revolve around you. My delusions feed into this since today it seems like everything has happened for a reason. Every little thing on my way today was put there by the gods or the suits behind the scenery and I know it seems weird but thats what I feel like. I know its not true and I dont believe in fate but today it certainly seems like the entire world revolves around me and only me.

When I get like this I go so high that I loose touch with earth. I go farther than my lifesupport can handle and thats when the fall kicks in. A seemingly endless fall triggered by the fact that your brain is so full of signals to interpret that it just shuts down. The entire overjoyed state of mind shifts and turns into depression and sends you falling faster than anyone can catch you. I know because Ive been here before. Ive gone through this countless times already. Being so manic and happy thinking that everything is put in your way for a reason. Spending tons of cash on pointless things because you get a wicked impulse in your brain that tells you that you have to have this now and that it wont be there next month when you can actually afford it. People with schizophrenia often act on impulse alot and I am very guilty of that. It makes me fun to be around as Ill get weird ideas in the middle of the night and act on them, but its dangerous for me as its not just like an idea that pops up into my mind. Its a need or a craving for something that I cant ignore. For instance. When Ive gone to bed and cant sleep all of a sudden I will get this idea that I need food. Im not really hungry or anything I just want to eat. So instead of ignoring that and getting a good nights sleep I get out of bed and cook not because I want to but because I have to. Otherwise bad stuff will happen.
Ive been to many record stores and bought a ton of vinyls that I couldnt afford but simply because my brain was telling me that I need to get theese things otherwise something will happen.

So here I am. Almost 1 am and Ive peaked. Im not totally crashed yet but I can feel the sadness rising in me. That feeling you get when youre about to cry. Thats what Im feeling right now. On the verge of yet another breakdown and for some reason I cant cry. I want to burst out into tears but something is preventing me.

I zone out here and there and loose my train of thought and the need to self harm is back yet again. Havent done it for a week or so (if I recall correctly) but now the need is back and its kicking my arse.

I wont be able to sleep at this rate but Ive taken some Oxazepam in order to not loose my mind completely.

Im anticipating the next few days to be really hard work getting through. Luckily my money problems end on thursday so I wont have to be worried about not eating. I am gonna storm to the supermarket and buy like 300dkr worth of meat and stick it in the freezer. That way Im ensured for the rest of the month that Ill have meat to eat. And then have loads of spending money to burn on whatever I want. Which feels really good.

When you start getting depressed you can feel it. Theres an uneasy feeling in your body and for me my eyes start to hurt a bit. They feel like Im about to cry. You get all weird. Your mind stops reacting and you tend to just sit there and stare at thin air while you try to formulate a thought. But nothing useful comes out its all gibberish. And my voice comes back and starts mumbling and then saying things here and there. Like kill your cat or jump out the window. I know all of his tricks and thankfully I am so strong and properly medicated that I can laugh at it and ignore it....

Tomorrow theres a free concert on in the town square. My contact is coming over for coffee and another epic chat about life. My friend Sara is coming over to delight me with her excellent company.

Tomorrow will be a tough one but Im determined to flip it around and make it a good day. Chances are I wont go to the concert if I feel too shit or I can feel anxiety creeping up on me. But I really want to go, yet I dont want to go.

See you all later....

Hows the relapsing coming?

So.... theese past few weeks have been interesting, depressing and a learning phase for me. Just when my mood was at its utmost peek fate reared its ugly head and sent me spiralling out of control.

My delusions were at an all time high. I would think that my girlfriend had another man, that she didnt love me, that any minute now policemen would burst through the door and take me away. The policeman part has been a constant for many years. I have this immense fear that someone close to me has signed papers to get me forcefully admitted to an asylum and that the police are coming to get me.

My depression was brought on by a sense of unfullfilled love. I was the one coming to her with grand displays of affection and getting little to nothing in return for it. While I was with her the pressure of having to be something for someone else than yourself began to build. The need to self harm came knocking and I fought it for the longest time. Till one night I slipped and I cut myself on my hand. Just one and very tiny. I blamed the cat when she asked me.

Then a little bit later I did it again on my hand. Two symmetrical cuts. How was I gonna explain this when she was so against the act of self harm and so inept at seeing its benefits for me.

I then did it on a saturday not long after my birthday. The pressure had been building up and I decided to make it more severe this time. I did it twice then stopped. I then texted her and told her that shit was bad and that I might have done something she wouldnt approve of. The reply was astounding. I took a chance and told her. Both because I needed her support but also because she would discover it for herself. She responded by getting mad and the confirming my belief that she had no idea of how to show empathy. Okay that might be a bit wild but her respond was so apathetic that it made me go crazy. In total over two-three days I cut myself 53 times on both my upper arms and some on my under arm. I then dumped her on the last day of april when I realized that she wouldnt be able to support me and that she wouldnt be able to show me the care I needed.

I then met a different girl even though I had promised myself to stay off girls for some time. The whole being in love part makes me wildly unstable and sends me skyrocketing one moment then plummitting to the ground and crashing the next.

Her name is irrelevant but she was the girlfriend of one of my long term WoW friends. So naturally I went for it as I find him insufferable and her gorgeous. In my world I quickly go from one extreme to the next. Either I am best friends with someone or I hate their guts. I sound like I have borderline but thats not the case.

Anyway. We hit it off and for a week or two. I really cant remember. We had fun. Flirting wildly and making plans for the future.
Yesterday she gets a call from her boyfriend who knows something is up. She then folds right at the finish line and tells me that she doesnt feel right deceiving him and that she needs to think. So basically the jig is up theres nothing more to gain here.

That sends me into yet another hour long period of despair while I frantically cut myself and try to restructure. Thankfully I heard a really helpful song and realized that I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me. I gave her an ultimatum and today she responded to that by sticking with her boyfriend. This fuelled a rage that was very well spoken yet the feeling that I was about to call her a slutty whore was there. The voice was screaming to degrade her as much as possible. Make her feel bad. Instead I gave the ultimate insults. Not insults that target your weight or appearance. Nope. The ones that targets your personality. I was nasty and gloating about it to my friends. Then proceeded to tell everyone I knew what I had been doing for some reason.

My rage has now subsided. She told me she would be there for me. Yet when I started talking about how I felt she dissapeared offline without saying good night. Youll be there for me you say ? Oh yeah Im really feeling that now.

Friends dissapeared as sleep beckoned and I was left here unable to go to bed because I needed drastic actions.

I have as of this moment. Since I resumed cutting a few days ago. Done it 42 times from what I could count. The number might be a bit unrealistic as its hard to pick apart old scars vs new scars.

The thoughts of suicide haunt me. The man inside my head is telling me to get on with it. Cutting satisfies his lust for blood and it makes pressure go away. I feel like I have a massive screw thingie on my head. And ever so often someone turns the mechanics and squeezes my head even tighter.

Im thinking I need to write her. But Im also thinking I need to get away from her.

Im thinking I need to write her boyfriend. But Im also thinking I need to get away from him.

Theres no end to the pressure thats building and theres no release from it either. I cut and I cut and yet the fix is only temporary. I showered but think I smell like shit.

Im off the concept of love for now. Cant handle it. Wont handle it.

My ex is maybe coming tomorrow to get a shirt she forgot here. I fear that it might send me plummeting towards the earth again.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Goodnight

"The Talk"

So here I am again.... At 4 am writing down my thoughts before I go to bed...

I had an okay day.... I drank two pots of coffee which in hindsight was a bit of a stupid idea.. I had a discussion with a friend over girls... Personality vs looks. I personally weigh in personality more than anything. That she looks hot is an added bonus but I would rather be with someone who is not the standard version of beautiful vs being with someone with a personality.

I want to take a moment to talk about my special someone. We met over the internet and started talking about playing together in a game we have in common. We were gonna do this player vs player thing which is basically rocking up to an arena or a battleground and duking it out with other players.

Things started getting serious after a few hours of talking together. She told me she fancied me and I told her that I liked her aswell. She already has a boyfriend which previously has sent me into a deep depression with lots of delusional thinking and suicidal behavior. But this time I found someone who wants me more than her boyfriend and were already talking about how the relationship thing is gonna work out. We live in seperate countries but its cheap going to England and I want her so badly. Tonight I told her I was in love with her and she returned the sentiment. I am in love. And it will work out fine. I might even move to England if things start getting really serious in a few years from now.

Anyway. I was called by my sister on skype who wanted to talk random. Then all of a sudden she started asking me questions about my illness and finally I gave in and told her everything.

I started crying twice and when the conversation was over I sat there with this impenetrable darkness wrapped around me. I did cut myself but only twice. But the remains of my blade is really really sharp so it got quite deep and I bled alot. I then texted my special someone to get online quick as she could and she ran home as fast as she could and got online.

We talked for two hours and I told her how I feel. Then we started small talking about sex and pokemon and then finally I told her that Im in love with her.

It was a massive release of emotion and it got returned which feels absolutely fantastic. I am now looking at getting through the next month and a half and then Ill see her pretty face.

Right now Im tired so all the negative emotions are back and Im getting ready to go to bed.

I read a site about schizophrenia and the lack of care for one self was on the list. Which perfectly translates into my low hygiene and the fact that even tho I have lots of holes I can still go to bed without brushing my teeth.

I gave a random girl advice on what to do. She has recently been diagnosed and was asking questions so I told her everything I had been going through and everything I did to get out of my darkness. I felt like I did a good thing and was all happy n shit when she went to bed. I hope I helped her out and that her path in life wont be as littered with bad stuff as mine has...

Also I am now up to my neck in work. I set a deadline for when the picture editing needs to be done and Im doing my best to stick to it. 40 pictures edited out of nearly 200. I got my work cut out for me and I am gonna be a busy bee with a friend coming over tomorrow and my contact seeing me monday.

So now I will leave you with this as I venture to bed.

My voices and me

I would say my life consists of three periods....

My childhood from age 0-13

My bad years 13 – 23

My recovery 23 and on

The whole Recovery part is a bit sketchy still since it hasnt really happened yet but everything is getting better and hopefully with this blog Ill be able to document what exactly goes on in my mind while I get better.

Today I want to take a moment of everyones time to talk about theese here people that live inside my head.

I would say that I have a good side and a bad side. Anyone can relate to that. The bad side is what makes us cheat and lie the good side is what makes us love each other.

On top of having theese impulses I have a little passenger with me. A male voice, I reckon its my own but havent been able to really figure that out yet. Most of the time he's rambling and muttering in an incoherrent mess that noone can decipher. Sending out noise to hamper my thoughts. Right now he's muttering something about not writing about him. But fuck me sideways thats exactly what I intend on doing.

Ive had this voice all my life and for a very long time I thought that it was just me thinking out loud. Like my thoughts would be all negative and I would vocalize them in my head. But in the past few weeks Ive noticed a difference between actually thinking and hearing things. When I have a thought it appears very clear and acts as a sort of impulse. Something I need to buy something I need to get done. Like do the dishes or put another filter on a picture Im editing. The voice is commanding and telling me stuff like ”wouldnt it be nice to throw yourself off the balcony”. When Im around people I care about he just shouts words like ”slut” and ”whore”. Telling him that I need to shout theese things out. It kind of acts like a person with Tourettes I think. Only I hear someone telling me theese words in my heads. The urge to say them is overpowering but Ive never once slipped because I dont want to. Ive had some bad experiences in the past. One I remember vividly.

I was on the phone with my then girlfriend, a wonderful girl I ended up staying with for two and a half years, the urge to hurt her became overpowering and I tried to force her to break up so as to justify feeling bad. It went completely ape shit with me telling her that she didnt want to be with me and stuff. Luckily she didnt break up with me.

Right now he's telling me that my family will die if I publish this. And my delusional self is giving in to the fear big time. But Im at a point where I know how to ignore theese irrational things and focus on the prize.

I dont know how I have mastered the urge to give in. I was never given any training in the matter but there must be some really logical part of me that beats this down.

Seeing as its only a recent discovery were still to try and deal with it but I hope that some day in the not to distant future I will have ignored him for so long that he will dissapear and never be seen from again.

Today Ive been feeling kind of bummed out. I have met a chick that Im really happy Ive met but it is not without its costs. I spend the majority of the day in longing counting down to the second she logs on. I feel sick and depressed and theese past days Ive been really scared that a major relapse is inbound and that I will do stuff to myself I wish I wouldnt.

When we talk its heaven. My emotions switch from pure depression to that of serene calm and overecstatic joy. And then when we stop talking my heart sinks in my chest and Im back to being miserable.

Sound familiar ? Yes my droogies. It is the keen sting of love that hits us all. The difference between you and me is that HE starts telling me horrible things that she is no doubt gonna do to me and horrible things that I am gonna do to her. I get the urge to selfharm ten fold because its a way to focus on pain and get him out of my head.

Luckily Im well medicated and a pretty rational person so I have enough sense to leave it at the door. Im not about to give in to some crazy delusion that she will find someone else and therefore I have to break it off before I get hurt.

This is where the idea of cognitive treatment comes in.

See yesterday I wrote her a long message about my condition so that she wouldnt be taken by surprise. It was a way to get things off my chest because I need the person that Im about to involve myself with to know what she is getting in to. My immediate thoughts were that of fear. She would see it, get freaked out and leave me instantly. I had a night of uneasy sleep as I tried to do excersises and calm myself down.

I woke up to messages on my phone saying that she is not about to leave me over this and that she still wants me ever so badly. So that goes into the bank and the next time I do something similar I will know that I have her support.

That thought empowers me...

Now its back to editing and trying to dismiss this sickening urge...

Good night !

Aaaaaaaand were back

So I havent really been making good on my promise to keep this blog alive... See the thing is... When I feel bad I tend to wallow in self pity which isnt exactly an appealing character trait. I want to express my suffering to people.

When I start feeling better I tend to try and tell myself that I was exaggerating and that it really wasnt that hard. But this time around Ive come to the conclusion that my depressive state, which lasted three weeks in total, was the worst state I have been in in my entire life. No rays of light, no exits, just blackness and depression whereever you looked.

I started feeling better recently. Actually last wednesday. I met with my contact and he gave me a camera I was supposed to use the following day at a sporting event for users of the social psychiatry in this town and the town next to it. So I went there thursday took about 1300 pictures, spent 6 hours in pouring rain either sitting down on the grass and even lying down to take the shots I wanted. It was a fantastic day but man was I tired when it was all over. And my back was aching like a motherfucker. I got this back issue from sitting slumped over at my computer for like two years every day and it was really showing when it was over.

So life went on and I was happy. I had and still have the camera and have plans to go to Copenhagen soon to take pictures of homeless people for my little project that will end in an exhibition and a book we will give to the homeless for free so they have something to show. They are special people and the fire theyre full of inspires me.

But tuesday I went to my dads house for dinner and it all sort of came flooding back to me. I started feeling this sick urge to self harm and I started feeling invaded by thoughts and darkness yet again.

I know myself pretty well and what Im standing in front of is a major relapse into this depressive state yet again. The english chick is keeping my spirits up but Im only ever happy for the duration of our conversation and then Im all alone and shit starts to heat up yet again.

Today its thursday or well actually its after midnight so technically its friday but I havent slept so its still thursday.
Im clinging on to the ledge for dear life. I am trying to do my excersises and stay happy. Listen to Hardstyle which always makes me fucking happy and just try and avoid any negative influences.

But what is life if not for a bunch of ups and downs. My mother came to visit in January to see my very first exhibition and she even bought a picture. There were specific guidelines for how she wanted this picture and we went right on it.

Then we got wind of the fact that the course was closing and suddenly we were racing to finish everything we were working on and forgot all about the picture. As of today she still hasnt received what she paid for partly due to the fact that we got really busy and then my melt down happened. And partly because the library havent said a peep as we asked them to make the picture into a poster with all their logos and stuff on it. I dont have access to theese logos and cant make it myself only the library can.

My sister then got on skype with me and started tearing me a new arsehole about the picture. Saying that I should pay my mother back or give her the picture by next month. At the end I felt so let down and hurt by my sisters behavior that I told her to shut the fuck up and stay out of this matter as it didnt concern her.

I am under the assumption that my mother has been complaining to her and now shes taking matters into her own hands and it hurts me severely to see my sister exhuberating the same behavior as my mom has been this past year.

As of today I have received no phone calls and absolutely NO HELP whatsoever. I texted her to tell her that this time it was all back and it was worse than it had ever been. She replied... Damn can we do something ? To which I replied lets have coffee. And instead of showing some interest and maybe coming to visit me in Copenhagen (she lives an hour away by train) she asked me to meet her for coffee in central Copenhagen (I live in a suburb to Copenhagen) because she was going there anyway to shop with my sister. I had to blow it off because I was too unstable to go to a place with a lot of people and didnt want to be doped up on Oxazepam when I went there. She could have maybe gotten in her car and driven to see me and actually show she cares. Or maybe just give me a friendly phone call to calm me down. But none of this happened. Shows me that she really doesnt care either way and it fucking hurts to have a mother that doesnt want to know of her child. Ive stopped confiding in her because we had an episode a year ago that was really bad and this further strengthens my belief in myself. Im doing the right thing by keeping her out of my life because she doesnt care either way.

After the guilt trip I reached a decision. I will finish the picture without all the text she wants because thats easily done. Then give her back the 100 dkr she paid for it and be done with it.

Im sitting here now quite downed by theese comments. My sister means the world to me. Ive never been mad at her my entire life and then she pulls a stunt like that. Hurts me to my very core.

So Ive decided one thing that Ill do when I wake up. I am gonna go to the store and get myself a brand new knife as the old one broke. A fresh clean sharp blade and just have it lying around. The need to self harm is back with full force and I want to have a knife close by that I can control. If I dont have a smaller one I will use my big kitchen knife and that I cant control. So its in my best interest to get a smaller one that is easier to handle in case I need it.

Such is the reality of the cutter. Its sad but true.

I even started watching youtube videos and documentaries on mental illnesses. Which is a sure sign that things are about to go to hell. I usually only do that when I need to be able to identify myself with other people. Ive never belonged anyhwere but the course I went to and it being gone is a hard reality to swallow. I use theese documentaries to see that other people feel like me and that I am not alone. But also as a justification for self harm and other stuff. Since others do it Im allowed because that makes it normal.

So now Im off and I promise to keep updating even though NOONE reads this fucking thing......