Ill write
alot of random crap here...... So this is a warning about the
randomness thats about to ensue
I feel
myself drifting away from normal life........ My daily rhytm is a
complete mess... I more or less only sleep every other day and spend
like 30 hours watching documentaries on schizophrenia and propelling
myself into a state of despair......... I know exactly what will
happen if I dont get atleast 8 hours sleep.... I usually sleep 10-12
hours at a time for some reason.... The idea of going to bed at
midnight then waking up at 9 am seems like a silly idea when I have
nothing to do throughout the day. The small glimpses of excitement
come when someone visits me... Other than that I am very withdrawn
from society and only venture out when I need to go shopping....
I hate
being outside... Left to fend for myself against a plethora of
impressions being thrown my way.. Todays society is highly visual and
youre bombarded with impressions the moment you make contact with the
outside world... ”Buy this” ”this is going on in africa”
etc......
I hate
having to interact with the world. When I have a bad day I want to be
left on my own or when I do go to Copenhagen city to shoot pictures
of the homeless I want to be on my own... The only people I interact
with at that point are the homeless themselves.... Last time I went
out someone from UNICEF stopped me and started talking..... That
pisses me off..... I dont enjoy prolonged conversations in the open
as I am very fragile once out of the security of my home and theese
people stop you and start forcing you to take a stand... I worked for
a relief organization once and I know how they are trained... Its not
simply a matter of asking people if they want to help out... Its
basically forcing an ideology down their throats, not taking no for
an answer and being overly agressive in your quest to ensure a new
member signs up... Moreover you are weighed and judged by the number
of people you sign up......
I hate the
prolonged speeches about how miserable everyone in africa is and even
though I say that I have no money theese people go on and on about
how I should feel sorry... I usually tell them to skip that part and
just sign up.. that means they get a new member and keep their boss
happy and I dont have to have more pressure pushed onto my
shoulders.........
I seldomly
leave the appartment though... Being outside frightens me... I love
concerts but concerts mean beer in order to be able to stand being
with so many people... My preffered music is metal and that is a
bombardment of sound plus you have to deal with all theese people
around you.... I usually stay at the back of the hall and if I can I
get a friend to go with me............
I feel
like no matter what I do, its never good enough... My mother for
instance thinks that I am unable to take care of myself and wants me
to live in a supervised housing facility. I say that I want to fend
for myself and that I can get better with time.... Ive started to
believe her..... I cant get better with time..... I get theese major
depressive phases every once in a while... Often it happens once a
month.. No energy and no will to fight anything.. I stay in my
appartment not watching the news not caring about what goes on in the
world.....
Ive been
stuck in this hole for the past 9 years. My total years of illness
total to about 14 years when I do the math... Thats a long fucking
time... The majority of which I went untreated and at my minds
mercy... they say that treatment is most effective if you intervene
early... Somehow I think I accepted help too late....
The
mortality rate for people with schizophrenia is frightening... up to
13% succesfully kill themselves while a staggering 60% of all males
suffering have attempted suicide one time or more......... I think in
total Ive had about 10 suicide attempts... 1 or 2 of which were more
serious than just attempting......... I tried seriously to strange
myself at around age 14... I tied a shirt around my neck and
proceeded to tighten it until I couldnt breathe.. at some point I
chickened out and untied it.... Last time was about two years ago
when I tried hanging myself on my balcony....... I regained sanity
and stopped what I was doing right then and there......... Another
time I tried cutting open the veins in my arm to bleed myself to
death but the pain was too great and now all that remains are some
scars running along my arm....... I had no idea you had to cut that
deeply to sever the arteries........
In my
history with self harm I have cut myself well over a 1000 times
probably........ My arms are testimony to a life led in pain and
misery....... It remains the only thing that can put my mind at
ease............
Its
intoxicating... It brings about a state of euphoria when I see the
blood trickling down.. More so when I really put my strength into
it.... then youll have a multitude of feelings happening
Youll have
the release of energy when you stop because you were putting effort
in. As always when you put alot of force into something the feeling
after is amazing.. Your muscles relax and you feel really good.
The
adrenaline that begins to flow because your body is hurt and
therefore enacts its defenses to diminish the pain felt.
The joy of seeing blood.. I know this sounds insane but seeing the fruits of your labour flowing down your arm makes you feel good about yourself.
The joy of seeing blood.. I know this sounds insane but seeing the fruits of your labour flowing down your arm makes you feel good about yourself.
I borrowed
some money from my dad.... For once I would like it if he didnt say
”You need to get control over your economy son” I know he means
well but to me it feels like he is putting blame on me.. Judging me
from afar... My paranoia kicks in and I feel like a dissapointment..
This furthers my depressive thoughts which are always present... A
darkness starts spreading within me and grows over time. For once I
would love it if he just said... Here you go son.. Pay me back when
you can..... That would leave no strings and it wouldnt make me feel
less of myself...
I feel the
urge to self harm more prevalent theese days. I started feeling
really good not long ago. My negative emotions being diminished to
the point where I could only feel a slight sting of pain.. Something
that was overshadowed by the joy I felt. With this condition there is
no mellow.... Its either really happy or really sad... And now Im
starting to propell myself into a state of depression from which I
find it hard to escape...
The woman who takes care of my treatment likes to say that maybe this time wasnt as bad as in the beginning of it all... The fact is that this time was as bad as the beginning plus abit more... It put me right back to when I was a teenager and felt miserable every second of the day...
The woman who takes care of my treatment likes to say that maybe this time wasnt as bad as in the beginning of it all... The fact is that this time was as bad as the beginning plus abit more... It put me right back to when I was a teenager and felt miserable every second of the day...
The
depression starts as a feeling of not being comfortable.. No matter
what you do you cant find any rest, you feel slightly sick.... You
know that feeling when you are about to come down with the flu. You
feel uneasy and feel slightly sad... Your instinct tells you to
withdraw because youre ill... That feeling is in my body when I start
becoming depressed. The feeling of self loathing and the feeling of
being depressed for no reason... I can feel the tears pressing
forward on my eyes but I cant seem to cry..........
Ive
started giving up hope. The treatment is long and tiresome with only
slight improvements made every day... And I am actually really good
at therapy sessions... I take it in and learn from it instantly.. Ive
always been very impressionable and if you tell me that there are
ghosts in my appartment I will start cultivating that thought to the
point where Ill be afraid of going to bed, even though I know that
there cant be ghosts in my appartment......
I feel bad
right now....... I feel like massive weights are pressing down upon
me and the darkness is taking hold... I even wrote a suicide letter
to this girl I like.... I dont know why I put her through all of
this... Is it to test her? I dont know...... I feel like a bastard
for putting everything on her shoulders but so far she has been
nothing but supportive and still wants to date me which is
awesome......... I hope that being with her will lighten up the day
but I doubt it.........
I hope
this time it wont be another two months of feeling depressed.........
Time will tell........ Time will tell.........