"The Talk"

So here I am again.... At 4 am writing down my thoughts before I go to bed...

I had an okay day.... I drank two pots of coffee which in hindsight was a bit of a stupid idea.. I had a discussion with a friend over girls... Personality vs looks. I personally weigh in personality more than anything. That she looks hot is an added bonus but I would rather be with someone who is not the standard version of beautiful vs being with someone with a personality.

I want to take a moment to talk about my special someone. We met over the internet and started talking about playing together in a game we have in common. We were gonna do this player vs player thing which is basically rocking up to an arena or a battleground and duking it out with other players.

Things started getting serious after a few hours of talking together. She told me she fancied me and I told her that I liked her aswell. She already has a boyfriend which previously has sent me into a deep depression with lots of delusional thinking and suicidal behavior. But this time I found someone who wants me more than her boyfriend and were already talking about how the relationship thing is gonna work out. We live in seperate countries but its cheap going to England and I want her so badly. Tonight I told her I was in love with her and she returned the sentiment. I am in love. And it will work out fine. I might even move to England if things start getting really serious in a few years from now.

Anyway. I was called by my sister on skype who wanted to talk random. Then all of a sudden she started asking me questions about my illness and finally I gave in and told her everything.

I started crying twice and when the conversation was over I sat there with this impenetrable darkness wrapped around me. I did cut myself but only twice. But the remains of my blade is really really sharp so it got quite deep and I bled alot. I then texted my special someone to get online quick as she could and she ran home as fast as she could and got online.

We talked for two hours and I told her how I feel. Then we started small talking about sex and pokemon and then finally I told her that Im in love with her.

It was a massive release of emotion and it got returned which feels absolutely fantastic. I am now looking at getting through the next month and a half and then Ill see her pretty face.

Right now Im tired so all the negative emotions are back and Im getting ready to go to bed.

I read a site about schizophrenia and the lack of care for one self was on the list. Which perfectly translates into my low hygiene and the fact that even tho I have lots of holes I can still go to bed without brushing my teeth.

I gave a random girl advice on what to do. She has recently been diagnosed and was asking questions so I told her everything I had been going through and everything I did to get out of my darkness. I felt like I did a good thing and was all happy n shit when she went to bed. I hope I helped her out and that her path in life wont be as littered with bad stuff as mine has...

Also I am now up to my neck in work. I set a deadline for when the picture editing needs to be done and Im doing my best to stick to it. 40 pictures edited out of nearly 200. I got my work cut out for me and I am gonna be a busy bee with a friend coming over tomorrow and my contact seeing me monday.

So now I will leave you with this as I venture to bed.