Brain farts

Ill write alot of random crap here...... So this is a warning about the randomness thats about to ensue

I feel myself drifting away from normal life........ My daily rhytm is a complete mess... I more or less only sleep every other day and spend like 30 hours watching documentaries on schizophrenia and propelling myself into a state of despair......... I know exactly what will happen if I dont get atleast 8 hours sleep.... I usually sleep 10-12 hours at a time for some reason.... The idea of going to bed at midnight then waking up at 9 am seems like a silly idea when I have nothing to do throughout the day. The small glimpses of excitement come when someone visits me... Other than that I am very withdrawn from society and only venture out when I need to go shopping....

I hate being outside... Left to fend for myself against a plethora of impressions being thrown my way.. Todays society is highly visual and youre bombarded with impressions the moment you make contact with the outside world... ”Buy this” ”this is going on in africa” etc......

I hate having to interact with the world. When I have a bad day I want to be left on my own or when I do go to Copenhagen city to shoot pictures of the homeless I want to be on my own... The only people I interact with at that point are the homeless themselves.... Last time I went out someone from UNICEF stopped me and started talking..... That pisses me off..... I dont enjoy prolonged conversations in the open as I am very fragile once out of the security of my home and theese people stop you and start forcing you to take a stand... I worked for a relief organization once and I know how they are trained... Its not simply a matter of asking people if they want to help out... Its basically forcing an ideology down their throats, not taking no for an answer and being overly agressive in your quest to ensure a new member signs up... Moreover you are weighed and judged by the number of people you sign up......

I hate the prolonged speeches about how miserable everyone in africa is and even though I say that I have no money theese people go on and on about how I should feel sorry... I usually tell them to skip that part and just sign up.. that means they get a new member and keep their boss happy and I dont have to have more pressure pushed onto my shoulders.........

I seldomly leave the appartment though... Being outside frightens me... I love concerts but concerts mean beer in order to be able to stand being with so many people... My preffered music is metal and that is a bombardment of sound plus you have to deal with all theese people around you.... I usually stay at the back of the hall and if I can I get a friend to go with me............

I feel like no matter what I do, its never good enough... My mother for instance thinks that I am unable to take care of myself and wants me to live in a supervised housing facility. I say that I want to fend for myself and that I can get better with time.... Ive started to believe her..... I cant get better with time..... I get theese major depressive phases every once in a while... Often it happens once a month.. No energy and no will to fight anything.. I stay in my appartment not watching the news not caring about what goes on in the world.....

Ive been stuck in this hole for the past 9 years. My total years of illness total to about 14 years when I do the math... Thats a long fucking time... The majority of which I went untreated and at my minds mercy... they say that treatment is most effective if you intervene early... Somehow I think I accepted help too late....

The mortality rate for people with schizophrenia is frightening... up to 13% succesfully kill themselves while a staggering 60% of all males suffering have attempted suicide one time or more......... I think in total Ive had about 10 suicide attempts... 1 or 2 of which were more serious than just attempting......... I tried seriously to strange myself at around age 14... I tied a shirt around my neck and proceeded to tighten it until I couldnt breathe.. at some point I chickened out and untied it.... Last time was about two years ago when I tried hanging myself on my balcony....... I regained sanity and stopped what I was doing right then and there......... Another time I tried cutting open the veins in my arm to bleed myself to death but the pain was too great and now all that remains are some scars running along my arm....... I had no idea you had to cut that deeply to sever the arteries........

In my history with self harm I have cut myself well over a 1000 times probably........ My arms are testimony to a life led in pain and misery....... It remains the only thing that can put my mind at ease............

Its intoxicating... It brings about a state of euphoria when I see the blood trickling down.. More so when I really put my strength into it.... then youll have a multitude of feelings happening

Youll have the release of energy when you stop because you were putting effort in. As always when you put alot of force into something the feeling after is amazing.. Your muscles relax and you feel really good.

The adrenaline that begins to flow because your body is hurt and therefore enacts its defenses to diminish the pain felt.
The joy of seeing blood.. I know this sounds insane but seeing the fruits of your labour flowing down your arm makes you feel good about yourself.

I borrowed some money from my dad.... For once I would like it if he didnt say ”You need to get control over your economy son” I know he means well but to me it feels like he is putting blame on me.. Judging me from afar... My paranoia kicks in and I feel like a dissapointment.. This furthers my depressive thoughts which are always present... A darkness starts spreading within me and grows over time. For once I would love it if he just said... Here you go son.. Pay me back when you can..... That would leave no strings and it wouldnt make me feel less of myself...

I feel the urge to self harm more prevalent theese days. I started feeling really good not long ago. My negative emotions being diminished to the point where I could only feel a slight sting of pain.. Something that was overshadowed by the joy I felt. With this condition there is no mellow.... Its either really happy or really sad... And now Im starting to propell myself into a state of depression from which I find it hard to escape...
The woman who takes care of my treatment likes to say that maybe this time wasnt as bad as in the beginning of it all... The fact is that this time was as bad as the beginning plus abit more... It put me right back to when I was a teenager and felt miserable every second of the day...

The depression starts as a feeling of not being comfortable.. No matter what you do you cant find any rest, you feel slightly sick.... You know that feeling when you are about to come down with the flu. You feel uneasy and feel slightly sad... Your instinct tells you to withdraw because youre ill... That feeling is in my body when I start becoming depressed. The feeling of self loathing and the feeling of being depressed for no reason... I can feel the tears pressing forward on my eyes but I cant seem to cry..........

Ive started giving up hope. The treatment is long and tiresome with only slight improvements made every day... And I am actually really good at therapy sessions... I take it in and learn from it instantly.. Ive always been very impressionable and if you tell me that there are ghosts in my appartment I will start cultivating that thought to the point where Ill be afraid of going to bed, even though I know that there cant be ghosts in my appartment......

I feel bad right now....... I feel like massive weights are pressing down upon me and the darkness is taking hold... I even wrote a suicide letter to this girl I like.... I dont know why I put her through all of this... Is it to test her? I dont know...... I feel like a bastard for putting everything on her shoulders but so far she has been nothing but supportive and still wants to date me which is awesome......... I hope that being with her will lighten up the day but I doubt it.........

I hope this time it wont be another two months of feeling depressed......... Time will tell........ Time will tell.........

An update.........

Wow... has it been a month already..........

I meant to write something but the words didnt come out easy... Its been a crazy ass month this June.

As Ive already hinted at Ive been a bit depressed lately.. Not suicide depressed depressed but nor was it much fun...

Each day a battle to get out of bed before 4pm each day a struggle to find a ray of sunshine.

Today is no different. I woke up and instantly knew this day would suck. The feeling of despair settled in my body as it woke up and I realized that I am stuck. Completely fucking stuck. Its a downward spiral this welfare business. On one hand I need some sort of help from the governemnt to keep alive. I cant work for much more than a few hours each day and that wont cut it as far as making ends meet goes. And right now I cant work at all. Ive turned day into night and I always seem to find some lame excuse to stay up all night and drink beers.

Which leads me to my next subject. I went to a festival in Copenhagen called Copenhell. A varitable feast for a metal head. They got metal karaoke even. At this festival some of my favorite bands were playing. Slayer, Immortal, Dying Fetus the list goes on and on. Yet I didnt experience most of it. Why you ask. Well let me tell you.

The day started at 9am. I hadnt been feeling well for some time (two months) and I was abit worried and stressed out about this reviewing a festival thing. The idea of them not having me on the guestlist (as have been the case for the majority of concerts Ive gone to in the last year) frightened me. The fact that I would have spend money on beer, food and transportation to go here and then I wasnt on the list. Money I didnt have to begin with. But all my worries were put to rest when in fact they did have me on the list. I was handed my press paraphenalia and then went to my friends in a club house to get some food and drink a few beers.

It went really well theyre cool guys and we had ourselves something to drink. For my part I had only bought a few beers. I dont exactly have the best track record. I usually get blind drunk and dont remember much of the ordeal. When I had a few drinks in may I actually broke down crying and was about to go through with a suicide if it hadnt been for some of the most kickass friends youll ever find.

I go to the festival grounds to catch the first band on the list. Skeletonwitch. A kind of boring concert and after having watched most of it I got a drink and went to sit somewhere while waiting for Killswitch Engage. I brought a notepad so I could take down notes while there so I wouldnt forget the major important things that went on.

I meet this guy from Ecuador whos really nice and cool. We get some beers on his expense and talk for a while. He comments on my arms and in that volatile state of being slightly inebriated AND abit down and out it doesnt sit well with me. I didnt lash out or anything but I did feel slightly sad that I wasnt wearing a long sleeved shirt.

Anyway. We watch the concert and towards the end my friend txts me and says he has arrived. So I go to meet him.

I get some more beers and all is fine in the kingdom of me. He said later on that I did look abit out of it which I didnt notice at the time. That day I had high spirits and was excited to be trusted with such a massive thing as reviewing a festival is. We drink some beers and walk around. Watching the shows I have to watch plus abit more. We then take seat on a hill waiting for Anthrax. Halfway through the concert my friend and his friend decide to go to the bathroom then (as I heard later on) they start talking and drinking down there. In other words. They dont come back and Im left with their friend whom I dont know. But Im great with people and we talk alot about Anthrax. Or well I educate him about the band. He then goes to the bathroom and Im left all alone on the hill. Thats when it starts to hit me. The combination of the constant barrage of new things and sound and the beer that had gotten me kind of drunk is not mixing well. I start feeling sad and depressed. When he comes back I excuse myself, go to the bathroom and then decide to go home. It wasnt the right decision but I tried staying there.I went to the side of the stage and watched some more of the concert but my anxiety was eating me up. I quickly made my way to the exit and the rest is kind of a blur. I walk and walk and walk and have no idea where Im headed. I just walk. I sit down on the side of the road a bunch of times and start crying calling out for the Psychiatric emergency room. A car stops and the driver asks if Im okay. I tell him Im fine and that I dont need help. He drives off.

While walking I called my contact and he tried to guide me. He then said that he would make sure I was headed the right direction before he took off and went to my home to help me get to the ER. I walked about three km which seemed like twenty and it took me about 2 hours. I call my friend when I arrive in my town and he can hear that all is not well. He takes his car and meets me at my place. We talk and when my contact arrive we go to the ER.

The ER cant help me although I am clearly not well. My anxiety had gone but the feeling was still nestled in my body. They asked me if I had any plans to kill myself and I said ”No but I wouldnt mind not exisiting” If thats not a trigger word then I dont know what the hell is then. Anyways. I get home my contact leaves and me and my friend talk until about 3 am where I am so tired from the pills I took that I want to go to bed. Again my amazing friends come to the rescue and help me out when Im in my most fragile state of being. My contact is also the guy who stayed with me in May when I was contemplating suicide after my breakdown at the bar.

The following days I was completely drained of energy. Couldnt do anything apart from just sit and stare at my computer. After that I was back to just being depressed and self destructive.

Ive had a few good days recently. My weekend was a bit messed up. I slept a few hours here and there but mostly I kept up all night and went to bed at 6pm. That is all sorted now. The next task is learning how to get up before 4pm.

Right now Im back to feeling like shit and self destructive. I feel like the walls are moving in on me and I can physically see the walls of my room moving. My shelves are tipping over and everything isnt settled and standing still. Its weird how this hallucination business works out aint it.

I would write more but this has taken a good portion of my energy and my mood is getting gradually worse with each sentence. I will do an update when I have the mind power for it

Cheerios