My mother ladies and gentlemen

Hey blogspot.. Its been awhile.. How you been?

Me ?

Ive been doing okay... You know not really bad not really good.. Stable is what Id call it.... Really nice to not really feel either great pain or great joy.... My weekend was spent trying to get stable to the point where I actually started doing my dishes and cleaning.... Havent showered for a while tho... but thatll change tomorrow.... Its half past 1 am here so not gonna do that right now...

Anyway... My weekend was decent enough.. Kind of starved for attention as everybody was out of town and I had no fucking money coz they screwed it up again... Did I already write that ? Cant remember

Anyway.... Yesterday.. Monday... I got a surprise call from my mother... Drunk off her ass and talking complete bullshit.. As per usual....

So heres a lil story about my beloved mother....

My mother who pretty early on in my life declared her utter distaste for me. When I was first born it was a laborious proces. First I wasnt coming out the right way so they had to give her a c section mid birth.

The wound got infected and she was hospitalized doped up on morphine for like two weeks. The doctors then told her I was born retarded and if she had the strength she said she would have thrown me out of the window...

So the lines were drawn from day one...

As I hit 13 my illness started kicking in and I became more and more isolated... She responded by constantly fighting with me.. Fights I picked but fights she should be the bigger person and stop. Sometimes she started them.

She got drunk every single weekend. Sitting up all night by the phone and calling everyone in her phonebook sometimes falling asleep while on the phone with someone.

In theese times whenever I would go to the bathroom she would call me to the living room and then start asking me if she was a bad mother and talk about her dad and her work. I was real young with this shit started and not ready to deal with all her problems.

My littlesister would often stay up all night coz she would wake up hearing my mothers voice in the living room. She would then walk aimlessly around with a shitty diaper and whenever I found her I would change her and bring her to my room until her dad came and picked her up. This happened a fair few times and must have been a massive strain on my sister.

Anyway... There are so many details but I cannot be arsed to list em all...

When I moved to Copenhagen to live with my dad she was nice all of a sudden.. Crying and saying I would never come back. I promised her I would indeed come back and I continued to visit her long after I left home.

I was put on medication around age 16. Medicine with the side effect that I became very tired. The medication was supposed to be like this for a few weeks until it started working. Angry at my dad because of being in a home where all of a sudden I had rules to follow and expectations to live up to I went to my mums for dinner with my girlfriend. And my mum took my pills and read me the side effects. Blowing them way out of proportions and in the end she got me to quit taking them and have a very deep running hatred of psychiatri. She took her own fear of psychiatry coz of what happened to her dad and transferred it to me.

Man if only I could have accepted the help back then things would look different now. But no she had to interfere.

Well days turn to weeks turn to years and things go on. I continue talking to my mother because I might not be overecstatic about my parental situation but theyre the only ones Im gonna get. And after I moved out my mom became alot more tolerable.

Anyway... Fast forward to last year. We go on vacation together. And on the last night there. On my fucking birthday. She rips me a new arsehole. She starts casual. Why dont you like your brother? I have to explain that my brother represents all the qualities I hate in other human beings. He is so incredibly shallowed pretentious and got theese big ideas about what life should be. Namely working yourself to death and getting married. He is another sheep in the flock and he frequently lets me know what a dissapointment I am to my family.

Then she starts telling me that I only want to spend time with her because I want her money. Which is so far from the truth its nowhere to be seen. I used to spend time with my mum because I enjoyed her company and was happy that we seemed to be on the same page. That she had my back and supported me in my fight against this illness. I was sadly mistaken as she was about to show me.

She told me I spent too much time being ill. That I was hiding behind my diagnosis and that I had to get over it. She did after all conquer a brief stint with depression and talking to the shrink made her all energetic. I had to try and explain how talking to anyone about personal stuff and using my mind like that tires me the fuck out. She said that yeah sure she had felt like suicide but she got over it. I then told her how I wake up every morning and have been for the past 10 years (at that point) feeling like I needed to end my life. I tried to explain to her about the frantic states of mind and how I perceived reality. She was listening but not really. She continued verbally assaulting me and at the end I told her goodnight then went to bed.

I wrote her when I got home and told her I thought her behaviour was unacceptable and that I didnt want to talk to her anymore... It was a long drawn out facebook fight with her deleting me off both skype and facebook in the process...

At the end she wrote me and tried to guilt trip me into saying I was sorry but I remained cold and told her that if she wanted to cut me out of her life then that was how it was gonna happen..... She then called and asked us to reconcile.

Ever since then Ive had a strained relationship with my mother. I dont contact her about anything.

Then a few weeks ago when life was really tough I did. Because I thought she might like to know and maybe come visit. She never visited she never called.

Then yesterday she called me. Completely drunk and talking about how she wanted me to live in a protected enviroment. With professionals to waiter on me because I obviously didnt function on a day to day basis. Ill keep it short as Im tired and need to make an important email...

She told me I was VERY VERY ill.. She said she doesnt believe in psychiatry.. She said I wasnt intelligent when I said I had insights that people would kill for after three years of therapy (that shit does that to you). She said I lived in a different world than that of the rest of the world.

She tried guilt tripping me into doing something just to give her peace at mind. Nothing this woman does is a selfless act of kindness. Theres always a catch.

After having listened to her drunken babble for quite some time she told me goodnight and I hit my enrage timer.

After that Ive been feeling quite shit. But Ive reached a decision. Im cutting her from my life like the cancerous growth she is.

Goodbye mum...

To quote Tech N9ne

I love you but fuck you !

Update

Its been a few days since my last confession....

I cant find the energy to keep this blog updated on a daily basis so Ill just do it here and there and now its been 3 days and I have something to talk about yet again....

I was supposed to get paid on the 31^st, meaning yesterday, and I was supposed to go to the store and buy a ton of meats so Id have for the rest of the month and didnt have to worry about feeding myself until next month. Well its funny how things work out isnt it. I checked my account balance to find that I had only been given 500 dkr which is next to nothing seeing as Im supposed to get 7800 dkr. So I called the council and after trying three times I got through and asked them what the hell was up with my welfare. Well turns out my case worker hadnt replied to an important mail about the details of my welfare and thus they hadnt been able to give me any money. My case worker is notorious for being impossible to get through to and quite lazy so I was panicking.

I got her number through an employee at my old course and then called her. Turns out she had been on vacation and yet again hadnt given my case on to somebody else to handle. She apologized and fixed it. So now Im waiting for my money to go through the system and Ill have them tuesday or wednesday. Its the best they can do and I guess Im okay with that. It doesnt really matter when I get them as long as I have enough to survive until then.

I then txted my dad, who is on vacation with his wife in Sweden, and asked if I could borrow some money so I would have enough to keep me tied over till next week and to pay my phone bill. He gave me the money and a few words with them....

When I discovered I hadnt gotten paid my initial response was that of anger. Then when I had to get through to my case worker I started panicking and feeling this thing in my stomach that kept growin in size. This dark dark feeling of depression sneaking up on me yet again. When I then borrowed the money from my dad my downfall was made complete. He wants the best for me but I dont need to hear that ”you WILL pay me back next week and youve borrowed x amount of money so far, you need to get your economy under control son”. It pains me. It really does. To know that Im a major dissapointment to my family and to know that no matter how supportive they are they still have that little hint of doubt in me.

So I called my friend Janus and was on the verge of crying. I asked him if he could come over and keep me company as it was all abit too much right now. He did just that. Dropped what he had in his hands and drove over and stayed here till about 1 am.

We had some good talks and went for a burger aswell. While sitting in the kebab place I couldnt focus on the conversation having to constantly keep check of my surroundings and at one point I completely zoned out for several minutes before I was brought back down. It was weird and I started doubting that I was fit for society at this point. Maybe getting admitted would be a really good idea just to take the top off and to settle down and chill for a bit.

I even started crying when I was talking about some painful stuff. We have the best talks and I think he understands me better than anybody ever will. He said that despite the things I was fighting I was surprisingly well functioning which made me kind of proud. The fact that I can be very ill and still nobody can tell me apart from someone normal.

When I feel down and friends come over I switch my focus to the person Im entertaining. Sure I might zone out often and get my thoussand yard stare on but other than that Im quite nice to be around.

Today I went to see my psychiatrist and talk about what was going on at the moment. I told her Im considering getting admitted to a ward because its too much to handle at the moment. She then, surprisingly, said that she doesnt know if Ill actually benefit from being admitted. Sure it might take the edge of but it wasnt in my best interest to get admitted as I wouldnt benefit from it. Which made me happy because she is a professional tasked with treating me for this devilish disease and there she is telling me that she thinks I wouldnt benefit from an admission to a ward.

I havent heard of anyone dealing with the same illness that hasnt been admitted atleast once and I thought for sure that my time had come. My mind is unravelling at the moment and the depressiveness and self harm is more or less out of control. But according to her its because there has been ALOT of change recently and its only natural that I get stressed out with that much going on. She is confident that things will clear up when I start my new project in a weeks time and that makes me confident.

Thats all for me tonight... Good night