Being manic

So its been awhile.. And Im sitting here, once again, after midnight thinking a million thoughts a second again. So I thought. Lets get that shit on paper and publish it.. For my own personal gain...

Ive noticed that nobody reads this blog and Im actually kind of happy about that.. This is my own personal experiences with Schizophrenia and a journal I keep to detail my recovery and have something to look back at so I can see what was going on in my mind at the time. Like the scars on my arms it will serve as a reminder that the mind is a terrible thing to waste and of just how low Ive been. Thus enabling me to get some perspective and come back harder. I dont know why I had to justify myself right there but hey Im fucking hyper atm so nothing makes sense....

So... Ive actually been pretty stable the past few days... My mood is sort of indifferent or well has been indifferent. When I woke up I was kind of stuck in a hole. Abit pissy and abit down. I had to get up early and basically run to the town administration office to hand in a paper to ensure I get my welfare. Everything worked out and they promised me Ill get paid on thursday so thats where it all started going upwards. I went home and saw I had a mail from Relapse Records in my inbox. And lo and behold it had the new Dying Fetus album in it. A band I love and luckily I got permission from my editor to download and review it. So it went upwards abit more. Then I got my coffee and now were talking serious fucking caffeine high. I then started planning how to spend my money efficiently and this whole feeling of security contributed to my high. I rose and rose through the skies and reached the outer reaches of the earth. Nothing could bring me down...

The thing with Schizophrenia is that sometimes you will get theese sort of manic phases where everything seems to revolve around you. My delusions feed into this since today it seems like everything has happened for a reason. Every little thing on my way today was put there by the gods or the suits behind the scenery and I know it seems weird but thats what I feel like. I know its not true and I dont believe in fate but today it certainly seems like the entire world revolves around me and only me.

When I get like this I go so high that I loose touch with earth. I go farther than my lifesupport can handle and thats when the fall kicks in. A seemingly endless fall triggered by the fact that your brain is so full of signals to interpret that it just shuts down. The entire overjoyed state of mind shifts and turns into depression and sends you falling faster than anyone can catch you. I know because Ive been here before. Ive gone through this countless times already. Being so manic and happy thinking that everything is put in your way for a reason. Spending tons of cash on pointless things because you get a wicked impulse in your brain that tells you that you have to have this now and that it wont be there next month when you can actually afford it. People with schizophrenia often act on impulse alot and I am very guilty of that. It makes me fun to be around as Ill get weird ideas in the middle of the night and act on them, but its dangerous for me as its not just like an idea that pops up into my mind. Its a need or a craving for something that I cant ignore. For instance. When Ive gone to bed and cant sleep all of a sudden I will get this idea that I need food. Im not really hungry or anything I just want to eat. So instead of ignoring that and getting a good nights sleep I get out of bed and cook not because I want to but because I have to. Otherwise bad stuff will happen.
Ive been to many record stores and bought a ton of vinyls that I couldnt afford but simply because my brain was telling me that I need to get theese things otherwise something will happen.

So here I am. Almost 1 am and Ive peaked. Im not totally crashed yet but I can feel the sadness rising in me. That feeling you get when youre about to cry. Thats what Im feeling right now. On the verge of yet another breakdown and for some reason I cant cry. I want to burst out into tears but something is preventing me.

I zone out here and there and loose my train of thought and the need to self harm is back yet again. Havent done it for a week or so (if I recall correctly) but now the need is back and its kicking my arse.

I wont be able to sleep at this rate but Ive taken some Oxazepam in order to not loose my mind completely.

Im anticipating the next few days to be really hard work getting through. Luckily my money problems end on thursday so I wont have to be worried about not eating. I am gonna storm to the supermarket and buy like 300dkr worth of meat and stick it in the freezer. That way Im ensured for the rest of the month that Ill have meat to eat. And then have loads of spending money to burn on whatever I want. Which feels really good.

When you start getting depressed you can feel it. Theres an uneasy feeling in your body and for me my eyes start to hurt a bit. They feel like Im about to cry. You get all weird. Your mind stops reacting and you tend to just sit there and stare at thin air while you try to formulate a thought. But nothing useful comes out its all gibberish. And my voice comes back and starts mumbling and then saying things here and there. Like kill your cat or jump out the window. I know all of his tricks and thankfully I am so strong and properly medicated that I can laugh at it and ignore it....

Tomorrow theres a free concert on in the town square. My contact is coming over for coffee and another epic chat about life. My friend Sara is coming over to delight me with her excellent company.

Tomorrow will be a tough one but Im determined to flip it around and make it a good day. Chances are I wont go to the concert if I feel too shit or I can feel anxiety creeping up on me. But I really want to go, yet I dont want to go.

See you all later....

Hows the relapsing coming?

So.... theese past few weeks have been interesting, depressing and a learning phase for me. Just when my mood was at its utmost peek fate reared its ugly head and sent me spiralling out of control.

My delusions were at an all time high. I would think that my girlfriend had another man, that she didnt love me, that any minute now policemen would burst through the door and take me away. The policeman part has been a constant for many years. I have this immense fear that someone close to me has signed papers to get me forcefully admitted to an asylum and that the police are coming to get me.

My depression was brought on by a sense of unfullfilled love. I was the one coming to her with grand displays of affection and getting little to nothing in return for it. While I was with her the pressure of having to be something for someone else than yourself began to build. The need to self harm came knocking and I fought it for the longest time. Till one night I slipped and I cut myself on my hand. Just one and very tiny. I blamed the cat when she asked me.

Then a little bit later I did it again on my hand. Two symmetrical cuts. How was I gonna explain this when she was so against the act of self harm and so inept at seeing its benefits for me.

I then did it on a saturday not long after my birthday. The pressure had been building up and I decided to make it more severe this time. I did it twice then stopped. I then texted her and told her that shit was bad and that I might have done something she wouldnt approve of. The reply was astounding. I took a chance and told her. Both because I needed her support but also because she would discover it for herself. She responded by getting mad and the confirming my belief that she had no idea of how to show empathy. Okay that might be a bit wild but her respond was so apathetic that it made me go crazy. In total over two-three days I cut myself 53 times on both my upper arms and some on my under arm. I then dumped her on the last day of april when I realized that she wouldnt be able to support me and that she wouldnt be able to show me the care I needed.

I then met a different girl even though I had promised myself to stay off girls for some time. The whole being in love part makes me wildly unstable and sends me skyrocketing one moment then plummitting to the ground and crashing the next.

Her name is irrelevant but she was the girlfriend of one of my long term WoW friends. So naturally I went for it as I find him insufferable and her gorgeous. In my world I quickly go from one extreme to the next. Either I am best friends with someone or I hate their guts. I sound like I have borderline but thats not the case.

Anyway. We hit it off and for a week or two. I really cant remember. We had fun. Flirting wildly and making plans for the future.
Yesterday she gets a call from her boyfriend who knows something is up. She then folds right at the finish line and tells me that she doesnt feel right deceiving him and that she needs to think. So basically the jig is up theres nothing more to gain here.

That sends me into yet another hour long period of despair while I frantically cut myself and try to restructure. Thankfully I heard a really helpful song and realized that I wanted to hurt her like she had hurt me. I gave her an ultimatum and today she responded to that by sticking with her boyfriend. This fuelled a rage that was very well spoken yet the feeling that I was about to call her a slutty whore was there. The voice was screaming to degrade her as much as possible. Make her feel bad. Instead I gave the ultimate insults. Not insults that target your weight or appearance. Nope. The ones that targets your personality. I was nasty and gloating about it to my friends. Then proceeded to tell everyone I knew what I had been doing for some reason.

My rage has now subsided. She told me she would be there for me. Yet when I started talking about how I felt she dissapeared offline without saying good night. Youll be there for me you say ? Oh yeah Im really feeling that now.

Friends dissapeared as sleep beckoned and I was left here unable to go to bed because I needed drastic actions.

I have as of this moment. Since I resumed cutting a few days ago. Done it 42 times from what I could count. The number might be a bit unrealistic as its hard to pick apart old scars vs new scars.

The thoughts of suicide haunt me. The man inside my head is telling me to get on with it. Cutting satisfies his lust for blood and it makes pressure go away. I feel like I have a massive screw thingie on my head. And ever so often someone turns the mechanics and squeezes my head even tighter.

Im thinking I need to write her. But Im also thinking I need to get away from her.

Im thinking I need to write her boyfriend. But Im also thinking I need to get away from him.

Theres no end to the pressure thats building and theres no release from it either. I cut and I cut and yet the fix is only temporary. I showered but think I smell like shit.

Im off the concept of love for now. Cant handle it. Wont handle it.

My ex is maybe coming tomorrow to get a shirt she forgot here. I fear that it might send me plummeting towards the earth again.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Goodnight

"The Talk"

So here I am again.... At 4 am writing down my thoughts before I go to bed...

I had an okay day.... I drank two pots of coffee which in hindsight was a bit of a stupid idea.. I had a discussion with a friend over girls... Personality vs looks. I personally weigh in personality more than anything. That she looks hot is an added bonus but I would rather be with someone who is not the standard version of beautiful vs being with someone with a personality.

I want to take a moment to talk about my special someone. We met over the internet and started talking about playing together in a game we have in common. We were gonna do this player vs player thing which is basically rocking up to an arena or a battleground and duking it out with other players.

Things started getting serious after a few hours of talking together. She told me she fancied me and I told her that I liked her aswell. She already has a boyfriend which previously has sent me into a deep depression with lots of delusional thinking and suicidal behavior. But this time I found someone who wants me more than her boyfriend and were already talking about how the relationship thing is gonna work out. We live in seperate countries but its cheap going to England and I want her so badly. Tonight I told her I was in love with her and she returned the sentiment. I am in love. And it will work out fine. I might even move to England if things start getting really serious in a few years from now.

Anyway. I was called by my sister on skype who wanted to talk random. Then all of a sudden she started asking me questions about my illness and finally I gave in and told her everything.

I started crying twice and when the conversation was over I sat there with this impenetrable darkness wrapped around me. I did cut myself but only twice. But the remains of my blade is really really sharp so it got quite deep and I bled alot. I then texted my special someone to get online quick as she could and she ran home as fast as she could and got online.

We talked for two hours and I told her how I feel. Then we started small talking about sex and pokemon and then finally I told her that Im in love with her.

It was a massive release of emotion and it got returned which feels absolutely fantastic. I am now looking at getting through the next month and a half and then Ill see her pretty face.

Right now Im tired so all the negative emotions are back and Im getting ready to go to bed.

I read a site about schizophrenia and the lack of care for one self was on the list. Which perfectly translates into my low hygiene and the fact that even tho I have lots of holes I can still go to bed without brushing my teeth.

I gave a random girl advice on what to do. She has recently been diagnosed and was asking questions so I told her everything I had been going through and everything I did to get out of my darkness. I felt like I did a good thing and was all happy n shit when she went to bed. I hope I helped her out and that her path in life wont be as littered with bad stuff as mine has...

Also I am now up to my neck in work. I set a deadline for when the picture editing needs to be done and Im doing my best to stick to it. 40 pictures edited out of nearly 200. I got my work cut out for me and I am gonna be a busy bee with a friend coming over tomorrow and my contact seeing me monday.

So now I will leave you with this as I venture to bed.

My voices and me

I would say my life consists of three periods....

My childhood from age 0-13

My bad years 13 – 23

My recovery 23 and on

The whole Recovery part is a bit sketchy still since it hasnt really happened yet but everything is getting better and hopefully with this blog Ill be able to document what exactly goes on in my mind while I get better.

Today I want to take a moment of everyones time to talk about theese here people that live inside my head.

I would say that I have a good side and a bad side. Anyone can relate to that. The bad side is what makes us cheat and lie the good side is what makes us love each other.

On top of having theese impulses I have a little passenger with me. A male voice, I reckon its my own but havent been able to really figure that out yet. Most of the time he's rambling and muttering in an incoherrent mess that noone can decipher. Sending out noise to hamper my thoughts. Right now he's muttering something about not writing about him. But fuck me sideways thats exactly what I intend on doing.

Ive had this voice all my life and for a very long time I thought that it was just me thinking out loud. Like my thoughts would be all negative and I would vocalize them in my head. But in the past few weeks Ive noticed a difference between actually thinking and hearing things. When I have a thought it appears very clear and acts as a sort of impulse. Something I need to buy something I need to get done. Like do the dishes or put another filter on a picture Im editing. The voice is commanding and telling me stuff like ”wouldnt it be nice to throw yourself off the balcony”. When Im around people I care about he just shouts words like ”slut” and ”whore”. Telling him that I need to shout theese things out. It kind of acts like a person with Tourettes I think. Only I hear someone telling me theese words in my heads. The urge to say them is overpowering but Ive never once slipped because I dont want to. Ive had some bad experiences in the past. One I remember vividly.

I was on the phone with my then girlfriend, a wonderful girl I ended up staying with for two and a half years, the urge to hurt her became overpowering and I tried to force her to break up so as to justify feeling bad. It went completely ape shit with me telling her that she didnt want to be with me and stuff. Luckily she didnt break up with me.

Right now he's telling me that my family will die if I publish this. And my delusional self is giving in to the fear big time. But Im at a point where I know how to ignore theese irrational things and focus on the prize.

I dont know how I have mastered the urge to give in. I was never given any training in the matter but there must be some really logical part of me that beats this down.

Seeing as its only a recent discovery were still to try and deal with it but I hope that some day in the not to distant future I will have ignored him for so long that he will dissapear and never be seen from again.

Today Ive been feeling kind of bummed out. I have met a chick that Im really happy Ive met but it is not without its costs. I spend the majority of the day in longing counting down to the second she logs on. I feel sick and depressed and theese past days Ive been really scared that a major relapse is inbound and that I will do stuff to myself I wish I wouldnt.

When we talk its heaven. My emotions switch from pure depression to that of serene calm and overecstatic joy. And then when we stop talking my heart sinks in my chest and Im back to being miserable.

Sound familiar ? Yes my droogies. It is the keen sting of love that hits us all. The difference between you and me is that HE starts telling me horrible things that she is no doubt gonna do to me and horrible things that I am gonna do to her. I get the urge to selfharm ten fold because its a way to focus on pain and get him out of my head.

Luckily Im well medicated and a pretty rational person so I have enough sense to leave it at the door. Im not about to give in to some crazy delusion that she will find someone else and therefore I have to break it off before I get hurt.

This is where the idea of cognitive treatment comes in.

See yesterday I wrote her a long message about my condition so that she wouldnt be taken by surprise. It was a way to get things off my chest because I need the person that Im about to involve myself with to know what she is getting in to. My immediate thoughts were that of fear. She would see it, get freaked out and leave me instantly. I had a night of uneasy sleep as I tried to do excersises and calm myself down.

I woke up to messages on my phone saying that she is not about to leave me over this and that she still wants me ever so badly. So that goes into the bank and the next time I do something similar I will know that I have her support.

That thought empowers me...

Now its back to editing and trying to dismiss this sickening urge...

Good night !

Aaaaaaaand were back

So I havent really been making good on my promise to keep this blog alive... See the thing is... When I feel bad I tend to wallow in self pity which isnt exactly an appealing character trait. I want to express my suffering to people.

When I start feeling better I tend to try and tell myself that I was exaggerating and that it really wasnt that hard. But this time around Ive come to the conclusion that my depressive state, which lasted three weeks in total, was the worst state I have been in in my entire life. No rays of light, no exits, just blackness and depression whereever you looked.

I started feeling better recently. Actually last wednesday. I met with my contact and he gave me a camera I was supposed to use the following day at a sporting event for users of the social psychiatry in this town and the town next to it. So I went there thursday took about 1300 pictures, spent 6 hours in pouring rain either sitting down on the grass and even lying down to take the shots I wanted. It was a fantastic day but man was I tired when it was all over. And my back was aching like a motherfucker. I got this back issue from sitting slumped over at my computer for like two years every day and it was really showing when it was over.

So life went on and I was happy. I had and still have the camera and have plans to go to Copenhagen soon to take pictures of homeless people for my little project that will end in an exhibition and a book we will give to the homeless for free so they have something to show. They are special people and the fire theyre full of inspires me.

But tuesday I went to my dads house for dinner and it all sort of came flooding back to me. I started feeling this sick urge to self harm and I started feeling invaded by thoughts and darkness yet again.

I know myself pretty well and what Im standing in front of is a major relapse into this depressive state yet again. The english chick is keeping my spirits up but Im only ever happy for the duration of our conversation and then Im all alone and shit starts to heat up yet again.

Today its thursday or well actually its after midnight so technically its friday but I havent slept so its still thursday.
Im clinging on to the ledge for dear life. I am trying to do my excersises and stay happy. Listen to Hardstyle which always makes me fucking happy and just try and avoid any negative influences.

But what is life if not for a bunch of ups and downs. My mother came to visit in January to see my very first exhibition and she even bought a picture. There were specific guidelines for how she wanted this picture and we went right on it.

Then we got wind of the fact that the course was closing and suddenly we were racing to finish everything we were working on and forgot all about the picture. As of today she still hasnt received what she paid for partly due to the fact that we got really busy and then my melt down happened. And partly because the library havent said a peep as we asked them to make the picture into a poster with all their logos and stuff on it. I dont have access to theese logos and cant make it myself only the library can.

My sister then got on skype with me and started tearing me a new arsehole about the picture. Saying that I should pay my mother back or give her the picture by next month. At the end I felt so let down and hurt by my sisters behavior that I told her to shut the fuck up and stay out of this matter as it didnt concern her.

I am under the assumption that my mother has been complaining to her and now shes taking matters into her own hands and it hurts me severely to see my sister exhuberating the same behavior as my mom has been this past year.

As of today I have received no phone calls and absolutely NO HELP whatsoever. I texted her to tell her that this time it was all back and it was worse than it had ever been. She replied... Damn can we do something ? To which I replied lets have coffee. And instead of showing some interest and maybe coming to visit me in Copenhagen (she lives an hour away by train) she asked me to meet her for coffee in central Copenhagen (I live in a suburb to Copenhagen) because she was going there anyway to shop with my sister. I had to blow it off because I was too unstable to go to a place with a lot of people and didnt want to be doped up on Oxazepam when I went there. She could have maybe gotten in her car and driven to see me and actually show she cares. Or maybe just give me a friendly phone call to calm me down. But none of this happened. Shows me that she really doesnt care either way and it fucking hurts to have a mother that doesnt want to know of her child. Ive stopped confiding in her because we had an episode a year ago that was really bad and this further strengthens my belief in myself. Im doing the right thing by keeping her out of my life because she doesnt care either way.

After the guilt trip I reached a decision. I will finish the picture without all the text she wants because thats easily done. Then give her back the 100 dkr she paid for it and be done with it.

Im sitting here now quite downed by theese comments. My sister means the world to me. Ive never been mad at her my entire life and then she pulls a stunt like that. Hurts me to my very core.

So Ive decided one thing that Ill do when I wake up. I am gonna go to the store and get myself a brand new knife as the old one broke. A fresh clean sharp blade and just have it lying around. The need to self harm is back with full force and I want to have a knife close by that I can control. If I dont have a smaller one I will use my big kitchen knife and that I cant control. So its in my best interest to get a smaller one that is easier to handle in case I need it.

Such is the reality of the cutter. Its sad but true.

I even started watching youtube videos and documentaries on mental illnesses. Which is a sure sign that things are about to go to hell. I usually only do that when I need to be able to identify myself with other people. Ive never belonged anyhwere but the course I went to and it being gone is a hard reality to swallow. I use theese documentaries to see that other people feel like me and that I am not alone. But also as a justification for self harm and other stuff. Since others do it Im allowed because that makes it normal.

So now Im off and I promise to keep updating even though NOONE reads this fucking thing......

Sweet relapse

Major relapse incoming....

I promised myself to keep this blog alive and thats what Im gonna do..... Last time I talked a lil about what it means for me to have this condition and today I will talk about what has happened so far today and how my mood is....

It will be interesting....

I dont know what I expected exactly.. But maybe not that the recovery process would be this painful.

The day started out really good. Got up at like 3pm and turned on my computer while I had a cigarette and sat there in quiet contemplation and relaxed abit. Waking up for me is always the critical moment of the day. Its the moment where you know whether this day will suck or not. You sort of get out of bed. Sit there and wake up abit. Have some coffee and then it can go either way. Youll either feel the depression sneak upon you and haunt you or youll feel sort of good for a change.

Well today I woke up and went through the morning rituals. Then like an hour after I had woke up it all came crashing down on me. This whole anxiety feeling spreading like wildfire and my entire system being paralyzed by dark thoughts and a feeling of awful soul crushing darkness sweeping over me and persuading me to do all the stuff I kind of dont want to do but for some reason need to do.

I miss cutting alot. Its been a few days since last and I honestly feel like Im missing my best friend. I am now sitting here with the urge to go and pick up the knife and go for it and nothings stopping me. So I think thats what ill do.....

You get this amazing serene feeling in your system when you decide to self harm. Like youre finally at peace with your thoughts and that all you can think of is inflicting pain upon yourself. So thats what I did. Just now.

I dont know what I love more, the pain and the relief you feel when you do it. Or the feeling of blood leaving your system. Its like that when blood flows it takes away all the bad feelings with it. Like somehow they were inside of your blood and are now flowing freely down your arm and leaving your system forever.

But that isnt the case. The act of cutting is very much a quick fix and solves nothing. Apart from giving you a moment of freedom from your thoughts.

I went to my dads house for dinner tonight and while there I just sat outside smoking cigarette after cigarette while franticly reaching out to friends in order to get some ideas of what to do.

Its like Im being set back to a week ago. Last monday I felt awful and tuesday I broke down completely. It feels like its all back to where I began. You take two steps forward and then a gigantic leap back.

The ideas of suicide are back in somewhat diminished strength. Not as bad as a week ago but they are there. Haunting me. I feel like the only solution to my problems right now are to do the unthinkable and just fling myself out the window.

Today I was standing in my dads bathroom and had this moment of clarity. I said to myself ”Youre not alive a year from now”. I sort of made a deal with myself to snuff it soon.

Its horrible feeling this way but its also the only way I know how to feel for certain. I have been this way for the past 12 years and I cant remember how I was when I didnt feel like this.

Well thats the end of todays blog. Stay tuned for tomorrows episode where I will have had a visit from my contact and hopefully a very joyous skype session with someone I like who blew me off today... But then again what did I expect? Who on earth would want to spend time with me of their own free will? Oh and I might get high tomorrow... Need to feel numb....

My situation as of now....

So so so.. Here we are.... Welcome to my newly opened blog which is gonna be abit more personal than the one where I badmouth the bands I dont like....

My name is Kasper Im 25 years of age and three years ago at the tender age of 22, I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.. Which you may already have deducted from the name of the blog buuuuuuuuuut Ill throw it in for dramatic effect and then noone can say they werent warned!

This is gonna be a blog that I intend to update atleast every other day and talk about my recovery. I have been wanting to do this for quite sometime but felt it was too self indulgent to sit here and talk about how hard my life is, when I have a friend whos got cancer and there are children dying in Sudan like once a minute. But now Ive decided to put this up here and go nuts, well not literally because I dont intend to flush my medicine down the toilet...

The immediate need to express myself in blog format and publicly came from the experiences Ive had in the past two weeks.... It is very common in anyones life that there are ups and downs. Sometime you laugh sometime you cry. I had a massive trip down the black hole and am still sitting here examining it and feeling a bit blue. But more on that later. I reached out to my friends and family and they backed me up and tried to help anyway they could by being there for me in my time of need. I realized that expressing your inner most thoughts is not only very brave but also very rewarding in that you will get alot of support.

Another reason for this blog is the fact that I need to get this out of the way and off my chest so I can move on in life. I have a blog on a community site but the nature of what I need to say is not something Id like publiciced there because of the people that are implemented in the matter are to be found on that very site.

Anyway... I thought Id give you all a little story about what Schizophrenia is and what it is for me. A little story about what has happened in the past two weeks and then boost off to bed to regret the fact that I did this.

Anyway...

Schizophrenia is a mental illness described by many pros (of what Im aware) as the most serious mental illness that a person can have. I dont know whether Id like to back up that statement, but I do feel like it is a tough cookie to swallow atleast in my case.

It shows itself in around your teenage years and manifests as a sort of distorted perception of reality. There will most likely be voices and there will most likely be hallucinations. Furthermore you might learn that dealing with life is gonna be really hard and depression is a natural companion to the illness. I havent really educated myself too much about it, but I can tell you my personal experiences with the illness....

I have a distorted perception of reality. I see everything as if it wasnt real. As if it was an illusion thats gonna burst at any minute. Sometimes I can sit and stare at things and see the construction beams underneath as if it was a setpiece on a film.

I suffer from raging depressions atleast once a year and minor ”down” periods each month. They manifest themselves as the need to be alone, the need to selfharm and this feeling of having a great big sadness in your chest that you cant get rid off no matter what. I tend to be very emotional in theese periods and can start crying over things for no apparent reason. Most of the time I just have the urge to cry but cant get it out my system and that is a really frustrating experience.

I hear voices inside my head telling me what to do. A voice will tell me to call someone a whore or to hit someone or in other ways insult them. Other voices will tell me that Im worthless and that I have to commit suicide.

I have a heightened risk of suicide in the fact that I feel like I want to commit suicide just about everyday. In good periods the lust is easily supressed but in hard periods I tend to get to the point where I come up with the plan and the lust to do this silly thing is overpowering.

I hallucinate out the corner of my eye. If I walk past someplace I might see a cat or a person standing there and when I go back to look straight at it they wont be there. When I sit alone in my appartment I might see people standing next to me but not really be there.

I suffer from wildly erratic paranoid delusions. I might think that people are conspiring against me or that people are talking about me behind my back. When I walk on the streets I tend to look behind my shoulder if I feel uneasy to ensure that noone is following me.

I get anxiety attacks and this ties in with the paranoia. The anxiety attacks are mild and I have learned to master them as I want to be brave but in bad periods they are so extreme that I have to abandon what I was doing and go someplace else in order to calm down.
I have a slight case of sociophobia meaning that I dont like to spend time with people. Especially people I dont know and as a cause of my paranoid delusions I will feel like the world is out to get me.

On top of that I have a bit of a cold and its bloody annoying!

What do I do to cope with all of this you might wonder?

Well

I self medicate from time to time with alcohol.

I self harm to relieve the tension caused by a depressive state of mind and because pain gives me a sense of existing within this world. The pain is something very real in a world I perceive as unreal.

I use various cognitive therapy models that I somehow know but cant explain. Like with my English and Danish to be honest. I cant explain to you why the construction of the sentence is as is. All I know is that it is that way because it sounds good and because it is right.

I listen to music when outside. I always carry a set of headphones with me and I blast various metal acts when Im outside in order to drown out other people talking because that will fuel my paranoia. Music makes me calm and has become my biggest passion.

And for the cold Im considering drinking something hot with a lemon in it.

Well that was all the nitty gritty boring ass shite out of the way.

Now on to what has happened in the past two weeks and what is happening now.

Last friday I was going to my dads house for dinner when all of a sudden I went completely numb and my body just started being crushed by this immense darkness taking hold of me. I have no idea what caused it but there it was. A massive depression taking hold of me in the middle of a field. I had prior to this incident had two weeks of wanting to self harm which I had supressed somehow.

I got home and felt abit better but not to the extent where I would say I was happy.

The following day the feelings came back full force and I self harmed twice in order to relieve some of the pressure. I then felt very sad because my girlfriend had told me that she felt very bad about cutting. I decided to tell her because she was gonna see it anyway when I would meet her AND I had the feeling that more would follow this little incident.

So I text her and tell her that I might have self harmed while I am walking to the gas station for some drinks and then I was gonna go sit on this hill which for me is a place where a great tragedy befell me.

Oh what you ask? Well let me tell you...

About a year and a half ago in the summer of 2010 I think it was I went to a scouts camp with my mother, brother and sister. It was gonna be a nice getaway as I had been feeling abit bad that summer and wanted to get away from home. We go and I meet this 18 year old quirky beautiful lady which I fall instantly in love with. Apparently the feeling is mutual and on the last day of the camp we end up kissing and stuff. We go back to the camp sleep side by side and the following morning we part ways. I promise to text her but my phone runs out of battery sadly so I couldnt text her until I was in the train on my way home that same evening.

We arrange to meet up at my place where I will cook her dinner and we'll talk and she might even stay the night.

Things go swimmingly we kiss, we do that thing all the kids talk about. Which by the fucking way. And I wanna make this straight once and for all and for all the world to see. She was possibly the lamest fuck Ive ever had. She was lying there barely touched me and then insisted on a condom as pills gave her cancer or some shit. I proceeded with a semi hard johnson and the whole experience was kind of dull to be fair. She made me stop before she came for some reason. Maybe only her boyfriend could give her an orgasm I dont know. Oh did I fail to mention the fact that she was seeing someone while she was doing all theese things with me? Nope, well now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Anyway... She ”breaks” up with me telling me that she is afraid I might harm myself if she says the wrong thing. Yes she saw my scars as I dont intend to hide them for anyone. Basically I was dumped because of something I had no control over. That is so frustrating. Like dumping someone because theyre black or can walk. Its something you were born with and its not anything you can shake off like a cold. Which by the way reminds me, the tea is wonderful!

After she dumped me I basically fell into this black void of depression, anxiety, paranoia and thoughts of suicide. It all culminated sometime during august mid day when I got out a rope and tried to hang myself on my balcony. Luckily it didnt work out as well as I had planned and I survived the process.

I told my psychiatrist of what I had done and they intensified my treatment with daily visits. During this period with scout girl I also self harmed in a major way. So major that I had to go to the ER one night to get patched up. I felt like I had to show her to what extend she had damaged me and how bad it was with me. The self harming is often fuelled by vindictive thoughts. The need to show everyone exactly what theyre doing to me. But mostly it is to relieve stress.

So back to last friday, which come to think of it was friday three weeks ago. My girlfriend got mad with me instead of lending me a shoulder to cry on as he has her own problems to deal with. I understand that now but I didnt at the time. So I got more depressed and self harmed even more. I think I reached a total of about 60-70 something cuts when I was completely done. Thats spread out over about... three four days with the most recent being a few days ago.

The depression rode me like it was a cheap whore and left me sitting with a feeling of slowly dying and succumbing to insanity. I was closely monitored by people at the course I have been attending for two years and friends and family. They were there when I reached out but the fight was mine and noone could take it for me.

I went to the ”celebration” of our last day at the course feeling quite miserable. The course which had been my haven was ending and my life seemed worthless. I sat alot by myself smoking and trying to cope with all theese negative emotions inside my head but to no avail.

Fast forward to the 1^st of May. I went to ”Fælledparken” in Copenhagen as is custom and had a few beers with my two friends before me and my one friend (Sara) went on to Christiania for coffee and then on to a bar in Copenhagen to get wasted.

I was chatting and feeling miserable while getting more and more intoxicated. At the end of the night I broke down crying and we decided it was time to go. My two friends followed me all the way home as they feared I might do something silly and they were right to be scared.

In the process of going from the bar to my home I had deviced a plan to jump from my window and hit the ground and thus be relieved of the pain of living. I live on the 11^th floor and its quite a long fall.

Luckily they sat with me for an hour or two until I was too tired to do anything about it and then they left. I went straight to bed and fought the urge to go onto the balcony and fell asleep eventually.

The following day I felt like shit and was closely monitored by my friends who were very afraid that I might make serious of my threats to snuff it.

The thursday Sara convinced me to visit the Psychiatric Emergency room and after waiting for five and a half hours they gave me some lovely pills to take the edge off and to fall asleep.

My problem was that I didnt like being alone, yet I couldnt handle being with people everyday.

So that was abit about my situation. I will update whenever I feel like it with the process of my recovery from this wretched disease but now my bed calls and I need to watch some Gilmore Girls and fall asleep.

Cheers and thank you for reading all of this crap